Parenting is hard.

In reply to John Welsh :

There was some very specific actions being mentioned. I think this other kid has an older brother that he's picking it up from. I've met the kid, he's not a mean kid. But being a kid he can be hurtful without really understanding what he's doing. He certainly doesn't understand how my son reacts to things. He obsesses over it. I'm wondering if he may have OCD. 

We have a trip back east coming up in November. All of our time off from work and extra money are allotted for that this year. 

Sorry to hear this Nick. Hang in there, it sounds like you are doing what you can to help your son make it through a difficult situation. I don't have any specific advice to offer, but hopefully some of the ideas already mentioned are at least helpful.

Reading this is causing flashbacks.  Yeah, I'd say he's being bullied.  If at all possible, it may be a good idea to get him into another school, if schools still handle bullying as poorly as they did back in the 80s/90s.  One thing that hasn't been mentioned yet, is to see if the GATE classes are truly helpful to him.  While in some ways it's better to be in with a group that is much more close to him academically, the social stigma of being pulled out of the "normal" group could be making things worse.  If you bring it up, though, it should definitely be his choice.

If there are any group activities he might be interested in in an after school program, that may help, being in a group with like minded people for a while may be somewhat calming.

Wish I could say more, but can't really come up with anything other than it could be a while before things get better.

If you can, I would take your son somewhere away from usual life (fishing, camping, hiking, etc.) and try to have him explain to you what's going on.  It feels like there's some level of bullying/teasing going on that's making his situation worse.  He very well could not be telling the whole truth to the school folks because he doesn't want to get anyone in trouble (for fear of additional bullying/teasing).

Use of words like "bullying" with the school might get more of their attention.  Right now, they seemed to be focused on your son being the problem, so I would try to turn the tables a little bit.  They might think up some more creative solutions once the ball is in their court.  A bullying problem is not one for you to solve, they're responsible for keeping a safe and non-threatening environment for your son to learn.  Again, I wouldn't pursue this action until you get a better read from him of what's going on.

dj06482 said:

Use of words like "bullying" with the school might get more of their attention.  Right now, they seemed to be focused on your son being the problem, so I would try to turn the tables a little bit.  They might think up some more creative solutions once the ball is in their court.  A bullying problem is not one for you to solve, they're responsible for keeping a safe and non-threatening environment for your son to learn.  Again, I wouldn't pursue this action until you get a better read from him of what's going on.

I wonder if we have any attorneys on here that would like to put their two cents in on this idea, if for no other reason so that when Nickbo talks to the school he can start the conversation by saying "I spoke with my attorney and he feels...." It has always been my impression that nothing gets a schools attention faster than that. Just sayin. I don't like using dick moves, but sometimes people just won't listen, because they want the problem to go away.

I have a son his age, hes having a few of his own problems. I feel for you. I wish I could help.

Had another thought.  If he ends up being stuck in this situation, he's going to need an outlet for his feelings that isn't self destructive.  Some sort of hobby or something that he has a level of control over.

I agree with the bullying aspect, kids learn at an early age to be cruel. School can be a dumping ground for kids acting badly for things they can't get away with at home, that's my theory anyway. It should be faculty and admins job to stop bullying but they've been absent on that forever, that has to change.

What about after school activities? What are his interests to get his mind off of school? If sports isn't the son's thing, karate or martial arts could build self esteem... and maybe solve the bullying issue too. 

My wife is a 2nd/3rd grade teacher.  Schools are in "super freak-out" mode right now on anything with the word bullying attached to it.  My wife's school has a "resource officer". This is a gentle word for a cop assigned to the school (even in our small town and "good neighborhood" environment.) 

If you have similar, ask for a meeting to include the school counselor as well as the resource officer.  By adding the cop to the meeting, the cop will have to file a report (public record) about the meeting having taken place (but won't include the details of the event publicly.)  With the officer present, level the charge to the school that your child is being bullied.  It may have initially appeared that the officer is at the meeting to protect the school but when you levy the charge of bullying that is now your officer protecting your child.  This is good for later when you see nothing happening from the school.  As others have stated the public school is responsible for your child's safety.  

Make the accusation less about who is doing the bullying and more about that the school is not acting to make sure it is not happening.  Make it the school (and officer) to assure that it is not happening.  

You can't fix the mean (or unintentionally mean) kid(s). 

Can you have the kid at home or with friends/relatives during the day and homeschool? Does your state have homeschool Co-ops during the day? Any private schools which offer good tuition assistance to folks in your income bracket? Charter schools?

It seems like the kid needs a better-than-average school, with individual attention geared towards his unique situation. Find that. He's not going to get it a public school, bullies or not.

If no one has mentioned it, what about hypnosis to find out what is really happening?

Changing schools may not fix the problem. Just transfer or delay it for a time. We moved around a lot when I was younger. Combined with being fairly introverted and somewhat poor at the time meant I was bullied every where I went.

Can you scrape out enough in the family budget for some music lessons and/or martial arts? Sometimes the boost in confidence can do wonders for focus and sense of self-esteem. 

Good luck. In some ways, it was like reading a synopsis of my own childhood. The only positive there is that he can learn to deal with it.

I knew I came to the right place.

Thank you for all the ideas and support.

I think right now I'm more focused to try to get him in a better environment by whatever means necessary. Unfortunately we are a two day drive away from the closest relatives that could possibly help. But I've got some great ideas to discuss with the wife this evening.

Yeah, schools don't give a F about bullying.  We talked to my daughters school about it, showed them the threats our daughter was getting.  Was told "Unless there's a direct threat to her health, we can't do anything".

Principal refused to even meet with us.

So, yeah.  Don't expect a huge change in their attitude just because you say the "bullying" word, or the attorney word.  They could give two *hits.

My son is the same age and I can't imagine how difficult this would be. That age is a mixed up still young kid and dealing with trying to go up to be a young man. 

I will say that a private school from my experience is a lot less willing to let bullying to continue. We had issues last year with one kid and over the school was made aware it escalated quickly. Lucky that kid isn't back this year but I don't know if it was by choice or not. 

My thoughts are like above with maybe a wind down period to let him decompress. 

I'll hope that you but mainly he gets relief soon.

Man, I am terribly sorry to hear this.

You mentioned the school counselor and (if I read it correctly,) another "counselor." Has he seen an actual PSYCHOLOGIST?

I'm not saying all "counselors/licensed therapists" are bad. I will say, my *personal* experience with them has always been money down the drain...with a couple of REALLY REALLY REALLY bad ones in the mix. I would DEFINITELY get him to a Psychologist if you haven't already.

Also, I know you mentioned you had a hard time wrapping your head around him even considering the fact that he might be gay, but most, if not all (it's not like I've taken a "poll" or something) my gay friends knew that *something* was "different" from a VERY early age.

Just my $.02 (I'm not an expert on ANYTHING:) While moving him to another school might help, it might also hurt if you don't get to the root of the problem first.

Best of luck. Please keep checking in!

PS: Perhaps it's TMI, but maybe it'll help: I hit puberty/started making out with girls around that age.

In reply to poopshovel again :

It seems you may have misinterpreted what I wrote.

Nick (Bo) Comstock said:

In reply to poopshovel again :

It seems you may have misinterpreted what I wrote.

Likewise(?) maybe?

I wish I had something to add other than to say I am so, so sorry. As others have said, it's tough just to read what he's going through--sounds like he's having a particularly difficult time. FWIW, most of the really wonderful people I know had a pretty hard time socially just before, during and after puberty. 

Margie

In reply to poopshovel again :

Sorry, busy at work. I'll expound a little later.

In reply to Nick (Bo) Comstock :

I am really sorry you are going through this. 

I cant help at all regarding the psychology etc, but I can tell you a bit about homeschooling. I have done it for 25 years, and coached 100s of people through it. 

It CAN be done in a situation like yours with 2 incomes, and many special needs kids thrive in a homeschool environment. 

However, I am not convinced it would be good for you. 

Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss further. 

Nick (Bo) Comstock said:

In reply to poopshovel again :

Sorry, busy at work. I'll expound a little later.

No worries. Re-reading what I posted, some of that may have come across all wrong. Best of luck to you and your family!!!

I have absolutely nothing to add being childless myself other than prayers for you....your wife .....and your dear beloved son.........peace out.

He had a much better day yesterday and he seemed in a good mood this morning. Hoping we can end the week on a positive.

In reply to Nick (Bo) Comstock :

You may have to work to get the school to understand the situation.  Pulling a kid aside and putting him in front of people in position of authority - and with the power to punish those he is tattling on - is going to make any kid hesitant.  They need to understand that he is scared of getting the bullies in trouble, as counterintuitive as that sounds.  He is scared of even worse repercussions from them.  

Does your state have anything like "school of choice", where you can apply to have him placed in a different district?  For reference, my 14 year old has ASD.  When we were looking at his educational needs long term, we shopped around several available districts (Michigan has a pretty strong "school of choice" program).  The best way to "shop" is to talk to parents of other special needs children.  As it turns out, our home district was one of the best in the county.  It's a "school culture" thing, if that makes sense.  In our home district, the kids are taught from the ground up to appreciate differences.  A couple years ago, the kids in our district picked a girl with Down's Syndrome as homecoming queen, and it was most certainly NOT a joke/prank.  The really cool thing is, in that kind of culture, the kids pretty much self-police in regards to bullying/harassment.  Sadly, by the time they get to your son's age, if kids want to abuse each other, they are smart enough to do it in a way the adults can't really catch on to or document.  They are also smart enough to know that the quickest way to stop being targeted by a bully is to shift the focus to someone else.  Unfortunately, the kid who has an emotional outburst is often the easiest target.  The only thing that really breaks this type of chain is either EXCEPTIONALLY vigilant/perceptive adults (which, frankly, it doesn't sound like you have) or a peer culture that collectively turns on the bully.    

I've personally experienced the opposite.  My school growing up was a veritable shark tank.  I was somewhat prone to emotional outbursts and, to make matters worse, due to moving and a district consolidation issue, ended up going to four different schools in four years, usually, with a new batch of kids each time, all of whom already knew each other.  In short, your son's experience sounds very familiar.  I wouldn't necessarily assume something more horrible than what he's describing is going on.  Repeated and constant bullying can be overwhelming to a kid, and honestly, he may have realized that the outburst gets him out of the immediate situation and in the company of adults.  I remember consciously weighing whether is was worth the embarrassment of getting sent to the office to make the bullying stop.  I didn't trust the adults in my school either, but at least the bullying didn't happen in their immediate presence.  

It sounds to me like it might be time for a fresh start if that's possible.  If it's not, maybe work on something that builds his self confidence and his own perception that he can "handle himself" in the face of bullying.  A friend of mine in a similar situation had good results from learning martial arts.  (Yes, I realize there are risks to teaching someone prone to outbursts to fight, but a good teacher will emphasize self-control)

I also fully realize I've probably over-simplified the situation.