This isn't where I was expecting to spend the day but someone brought it up and now I'm stuck. What if I'm never happy again?  The thought has been in the back of my mind for a few months now but I keep trying to ignore and tell myself things will get better. What if they don't?  Grumpy bitter old men come from somewhere, maybe that's me. I keep trying to be ok but I'm not as good at it as I was.  This morning a coworker asked how I was, said I seem off for a bit and now I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I get a little glimmer of hope and things look like they may pick up life E36 M3s all over it again.  The doc is going to be earning their money this week. 

In reply to Wally (Forum Supporter) :

I dont see you becoming a "grumpy old man", that takes more than just being lonely or unhappy.  You have to harbor some deep seated hatred to become a grumpy old man.  It involves a lot of twisting everything in the world to keep you unhappy...

That being said, I terrible at saying the right things.  This is temporary, time will heal, and you're right that you may never feel 100% again but you will feel better than you feel today.  You've lost a giant piece of you this year and, for better or worse, that's a void that may never be completely filled.  It's ok.  Dont try to live your entire life right now, you only need to focus on today.  Be sure to hit up some hobbies.  Do you have a build going yet?

And above all:  When you cant sleep and you're up all night and everyone you know is asleep but you, you got a buddy that's in a time zone 8 hours ahead of ya.  I'm up every damn day from 6am to midnight my time (sobriety not guaranteed on weekends after 7), call anytime.

In reply to Wally (Forum Supporter) :

+1 to everything Bill said (except for the part where I would be up from 6 to midnight his time).

One of my favorite anime's poses the question, "When snow melts, what does it become?" The answer is it becomes spring. No matter how cold the winter, spring will come. No matter how dark the night, the sun will follow.

You couldn't stay grumpy your whole life if you tried; that's not who you are. These times aren't strong enough to change that about you.

In reply to Wally (Forum Supporter) :

Others have said more and said it better, but you have too much natural humor and love of life to become a grumpy old man.  You've dealt with (and are still dealing with) more than enough setbacks and changes this year to challenge anybody's happiness, at least temporarily.

And don't forget, "temporary" in this kind of instance is measured on a scale of a year or three, not months.  That's OK.

Thank you, I hope you're all right about this. It's been a long year and it doesn't seem to be slowing down. 

Hey Wally,

Oh the will I always be question...I totally understand.  To answer your question...

Yes, you will always be a widower, BUT you will always be a husband, you can be a husband again, a lover again, a spouse again and anything you want again.  Eventually, you can use your widowhood for good if you choose to help other widows out of those beginning horrible moments of despair and lead them to understand that they need to shower, eat and sleep.  You will get through this...I promise.  I know, you feel that questioning can feel wrong, but it is absolutely okay to do this...everybody does and it is normal (we all hate that word, I know that too).  Be strong, be gentle, and know that you are who you choose to be at this current moment.

You will hopefully be happy again...BUT you need to honestly acknowledge what life has thrown at you over the past 8 months...lets take stock...Jodi has passed away, your dad has passed away as well, your widowed friend got cancer and COVID....that is a TON of chap...give your self a break!

You will find happiness not in one big gulp (I can promise you that one), but in little tiny things.  For me, I was able to watch TV shows and smile again, then I could go out and laugh (I mean belly laugh...which was weird), then I could run around with my dogs and be happy and exhausted.  All of these things did not come on at the same time, but gradually over time.  At 8 months, you are still in the messy mud and the mud is only starting to dry up a little.  Try to listen to some music or do something that you and Jodi liked to do that would instantly put a smile on your face.  (PS, I am smiling while I am typing this, so I hope you go do it!).  Try it, my friend...it might be hard at first, but anything worth anything is hard. 

~Heather

P.S. from Matthew

You are allowed to hurt. You are allowed to be angry and grumpy and sad. You have earned that. You have a lot of different emotions to deal with. You are working through them and sometimes they will bubble over and/or you will vent.  Sometimes it will be messy, but it will always be okay. A good man can still cry out when it hurts. A good man can still vent. You are a good man.  You have proven that within all of these posts; it's easy to see.

In reply to Hungary Bill (Forum Supporter) :

I agree with bill whole heartedly. Even the part about a call... Wally, you don't have my number yet, but your welcome to pm me.

I'm newer to the forum, but reading you posts, not bouncing back is tough, but normal.  No one can really help, much, because no one has dealt with exactly what you have... Everyone is different. 

But take it form someone that has huge anger management issues, and is always a split second of being angry at something... The only thing that keeps me from being the poster child of grumpy old men, is a good (albeit odd) sense of humor, and a desire to help others.

You appear to have both in spades!

In reply to matthewmcl (Forum Supporter) :

Thank you both, I've never been very patient or unhappy so this is all new and more of an adjustment then I wanted to make. I'm usually the one helping everyone else along not the one needing help and it's a really uncomfortable spot to be in. 

Wally (Forum Supporter) said:

This isn't where I was expecting to spend the day but someone brought it up and now I'm stuck. What if I'm never happy again?  The thought has been in the back of my mind for a few months now but I keep trying to ignore and tell myself things will get better. What if they don't?  Grumpy bitter old men come from somewhere, maybe that's me. I keep trying to be ok but I'm not as good at it as I was.  This morning a coworker asked how I was, said I seem off for a bit and now I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I get a little glimmer of hope and things look like they may pick up life E36 M3s all over it again.  The doc is going to be earning their money this week. 

In general people who want to be unhappy don't ever wonder if they are gonna be happy, they are happy being unhappy. This is where bitter old men come from.

They are made, but in the forge of their own making. The fact that you are wondering means you won't become them.

In reply to Antihero (Forum Supporter) :

Very well said, sir.

The largest wasters of plastic on the planet:

The Kardashian family

GM interiors

Kinder chocolate confectionary whatever you want to call them.

I'm a kind person cleverly disguised as a grumpy old(ish) man.

In reply to Recon1342 :

Same :)

Remember, inside of every cynic is a disappointed idealist. 

Me at work, looking over a '19 Pacifica and noting a service-friendly feature: "Thank you, Chrysler"

Boss, next bay over: "THANK you, Chrysler?"

Me: "Yeah, that is a series of words you rarely hear."

Boss: "Well, you'll hear a '...you, Chrysler' but it starts with a different word"

I wonder how many people have discovered they have a weird fetish involving sticking things up their nose from having had a Covid test. It has to be a number greater than zero.

If gasoline is made from dead animals, does that mean vegans shouldn't drive?

In reply to NickD 
 

From Rolling Stone Magazine:

Meet the People Getting Off on Covid-19 Nasal Swabs

Inside the unexpected pleasures of hardcore ‘nussy’ stimulation

As we wrap up the year and we inch closer and closer to a Covid-19 vaccine becoming widely available, certain ephemera of the 2020 pandemic year will be relegated to the margins of history: Plexiglass dividers, face shields that say “Face Shield,” the rise of outdoor dining in subzero temperatures. Which is why now is the ideal time to commemorate the meteoric rise and soon-to-be rapid descent of the “nussy,” the unsung hero of 2020.

https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-news/covid-test-nasal-swabs-nussy-1105797/

In reply to Wally (Forum Supporter) :

I knew it! I'm not one of them though. I found that test unpleasant as hell.

Went in today for my DOT physical. First time in 2 years I've been to a doctor. I'm 35, 145 lbs, do intermittent fasting and eat right 95% of time.
I get "white coat syndrome" when it comes time to get blood pressure taken, at home I'm normal but Drs office I run high. So after explaining this to the 55 year 250lb doctor that groaned moving around,  he begins to harp on me on about healthy living... hmm I think I'll keep up my daily habits, maybe YOU should practice what you preach.

In reply to Subscriber-unavailabile :

Is it being in a medical facility or just seeing people in scrubs that cause it?

In reply to j_tso :

Speaking for me, it's knowing that I have to relax.  Trying to relax makes me agitated.

Last time I was in a clinic, they popped the cuff on me with no warning, and my blood pressure was roughly 10/20 lower than when they are like "Okay, we'll check your blood pressure in a couple minutes when X gets back."

In reply to Wally (Forum Supporter) :

We'll love you even if you become a grumpy old man.

In reply to j_tso :

I have trust issues with doctors. Hard to find doctors that truly care, instead of rushing a general prognosis here's medicine get out of here so next paycheck comes in.  
That and having random person get into my bubble, squeeze a bag tight as hell and tell me to relax doesn't come easy.

Subscriber-unavailabile said:

In reply to j_tso :

I have trust issues with doctors. Hard to find doctors that truly care, instead of rushing a general prognosis here's medicine get out of here so next paycheck comes in. 

This is a major issue for a lot of people with epilepsy. Doctors tend to throw pills at people and make rush decisions. I actually was lucky enough to find a doctor who actually cares enough to continue to look at the same issue from different angles. Bonus for him, he gets to use videos of me doing really weard E36 M3 in my sleep for lectures now. In all reality, I hope his lessons that involve me can create neurologists that are more open to other possibilities.