So- my brother is getting a divorce.

That's what I got from the first sentence. If I am mistaken, then a lot of what I have said is null and void.

The insinuation was strong. "Seven year itch"

She may or may not have. Technically speaking I suppose she did, she'd started shacking up with this guy long before papers were drawn, and I know shed been spending time with him even prior to her leaving. What that time consisted of, I have no idea. That's sort of the other driving factor here, I want details so I get a complete story. For all I know she is the guilty party, but that whole presumed innocent thing is big with me. I've been accused of enough falsehoods in my day I tend to want the whole story regardless of the result.

And then there is the presumption that she will even tell you the truth. If she stepped out (and let's face it, they never change horses midstream without another mount right there) she will try to spin it (to others and to herself) to make herself look as innocent as possible.

Blood is thicker than water.

You've got to live with your brother for the rest of your life. Don't let your morbid curiosity get in the way- let it go.

There is NOTHING she can say that will improve your relationship with your brother. Do you really want her to tell you about how bad he is in bed, or how small his pecker is?

The only thing she could tell you that might improve your relationship with both of them is that she is a lesbian.

mndsm wrote: Even IM not stupid enough to try and saddle that bronco.

Your mom?

I'm not sure if you mention that you're "literally" the reason for their meet-cute because you feel it's partly your fault for what's happening between them right now, or because you think it's some kind of "mitigating factor" in what is the appropriate course of action right now...Either way, it's really not.

HiTempguy wrote: So, just so we are clear; you're cool having friends that cheat on other people? I'm not. I expect better behavior from the people I associate with. I actually had to distance myself from a close-ish friend due to this exact reason. I was friends with both parties, and he was acting like a piece of E36 M3. On top of that, she was one of the nicest people you've ever met and he treated her like crap. So yea.

No, I'm not, but for better or worse I'm somewhat desensitized to that sort of thing. My father was very guilty when I was growing up and I knew it from too early an age. It took my mother too long finally say "enough!" and leave. and for the record, I haven't spoken to or heard from my father in over 5 years and just recently deleted the last voice mail I received from him (essentially disowning me). I have no idea if he's alive or dead right now. Much of that is not due to what he did to my mother, but from him not learning and what he did to his second wife.

That said, sometimes relationships don't work out. Sometimes it takes a number of years to figure this out. Towards the end of my last relationship (11 years), my ex was spending a fair bit of time at a mutual friend's place. Was she cheating? I don't know. It kinda felt that way, when she was out having a fun night out while I was building her effin house... They aren't together now (he eventually hooked up with another of our mutual friends) and my ex and I still manage to have cordial relations. Exchanged e-mails about car issues yesterday in fact.

Life goes on. You can either be bitter and spiteful about it or just live and let live.

Ian F wrote: Life goes on. You can either be bitter and spiteful about it or just live and let live.

Very much THIS. When my previous marriage ended I made a conscious effort to keep things civil and friendly with my ex as possible- not because I had any illusions of or desire to patch things up (I'd learned too much and that ship had not only sailed but had probably already arrived at its destination port...) but because I didn't see how being bitter and angry was going to be beneficial to anyone and was more likely to just cause me to be more miserable and make it harder to move on with my life.

mndsm wrote: She seems pretty bent on self destruction, and I'm curious.

That alone - from bad experience of my own - would make me stay away from asking any questions.

If the two parties don't both say, "Yeah, it was a mutual breakup. Nothing actually wrong, we were just moving different directions," chances are that both parties were wrong and were wronged. Do you want to know the specific ways your brother was a dick? Would that help your relationship?

Did you observe anything personally about her behavior (other than that she's now with another guy) that gave you reason to dislike how she was treating your brother?

Are you being asked to adjudicate the divorce?

If everything was cool and you were friends before. Stay cool. Remain friends. Keep yourself out of the mess between them. If one of them wants to moan and groan and vent, and you feel up for commiserating, you can hear them out, but you're not required to. And just know they're giving you a very biased version of the story.

Old thread but bumping it since it has some good info.   Im currently finding myself in a 99% “gonna get divorced” scenario right now and no, its not my choice or my doings. Seems the “hypergamy” strikes again.  6 years married and i found out yesterday, just before thanksgiving and days before my birthday. happy holidays

TJL said:

Old thread but bumping it since it has some good info.   Im currently finding myself in a 99% “gonna get divorced” scenario right now and no, its not my choice or my doings. Seems the “hypergamy” strikes again.  6 years married and i found out yesterday, just before thanksgiving and days before my birthday. happy holidays

Sorry to hear that, it sucks. My ex asked for a divorce a few days before my birthday, nearly 5 years ago.

And now 5 years later, I just had to block another social media account because she creates new ones to follow me.

I have no ill will toward who she became, I was happy to grant her the divorce, I had just become complacent becuase it was easy and we were very comfortable $$$ wise.

Sorry I'm rambling, sorry about the E36 M3 news.

Odd post script to this one since it's back- I ended up getting a divorce a little over  6 months later, and somehow my brother is still married to the woman from this original post. 

Sorry TJL.

On the subject of bad timing for a divorce I once was friends with someone who asked for a divorce for her birthday.  In hindsight that was a good peek into her mindset and she's no longer a friend.

In reply to TJL :

Well then you should give thanks.  

It’s odd that these sort of things happen during the holiday season.  

Mndsm said:

Odd post script to this one since it's back- I ended up getting a divorce a little over  6 months later, and somehow my brother is still married to the woman from this original post. 

So did you go play hide the salami with her before they got back together? 

In reply to spitfirebill :

Stress makes people desperate. Holidays at least for me, are an absolute grind. I can easily see how that level would make someone else want the do anything to cut stress, and confessing to non-monogamy and asking for a separation could do that. 

spitfirebill said:

Mndsm said:

Odd post script to this one since it's back- I ended up getting a divorce a little over  6 months later, and somehow my brother is still married to the woman from this original post. 

So did you go play hide the salami with her before they got back together? 

No- actually I haven't spoken a word to her since the "separation". Haven't spoken to my brother in like 3 years, but that's a whole different can of worms. 

hmm.  Until a year ago I had a roommate of 7 yrs.

He'd had a on-off relationship with a sort of married woman ( I never asked about it ) then started banging some ugly co-worker of hers.

I worked with both of those ladies.  The first one was and remains a friend.  So I had to listen to a lot of vituperation about him.

I always just listened and joked y'all gonna get back to which she said "Never!"

They've been married probably more than 5 yrs now and both are my very good friends.

She was always like one of my sisters.  No confusion at all there.  Helped that we were both born in Ireland.

Now the chick in this thread.  Dude.  Unless she is squarely in that sister arena the temptation to bone her would be there.

Same thing when you console a widow.  Proceed with caution.  

oops.  just noticing zombie thread.  

So. I had a amazing day yesterday. I was able to open my mind, find a spot i didnt know about and clean up. I had a great conversation with my Wife. She owned up to her blame, i was blindsided to find that despite doing what i thought was the right thing, i had been cold, disconnected, mean and just in general, not a very good person to my wife. This led her to the extreme of leaving and it was exactly what was needed. She had tried to tell me how i needed to change and i didnt listen. I had a weird block that wouldnt let me say what i wanted. Well after we had another long convo, and a whole lot of opening up and hardcore pure honesty, in am very happy to say that we are working on it. We got stuff to work on, and were going to do it together, but we are committed and now in a better place than we have ever been before. Its great. I had to really learn a hard lesson. 

In reply to TJL :

Open communication and complete honesty are necessary.  Glad to hear you two are working towards a solution together

In reply to TJL :

Glad it worked out for you. I started communicating openly, and she started communicating with another dude. Whatever. I don't have to shovel and I can ride teacups whenever I want. 

Thanks guys. Ive had an amazing woman here this whole time and was too ignorant to see it. 
 

and to be clear, along with always being a complaining miserable person, i also rarely ever, like EVER told my wife she is beautiful. I NEVER told her how beautiful it was to me to see her with our son. I NEVER told her how much she meant to me. These are all simple little easy things. They are things i felt but didnt say. I assumed she knew. She didnt and my other actions combined said i didnt care for her and was also annoyed with her. So its going to take time to prove to her im changed, but im committed, no going back. 
 

thanks