This forum and my wife are killing me

I make my own money. I spend my money on whatever I want. My wife makes her own money. She spends it on whatever she wants. As long as our bills are paid and we're saving money, we don't try to control each other. Heck, my wife has insisted on paying her share of the bills. If you would rather spend your money on cars instead of going to Disney World, well tough E36 M3 for her. What have you guys done for her during this span of time? Why should her happiness be worth more than yours? Where is the compromise?

Dude. It's been mention previously in this post. RENT A CAR. Get something boring from Enterprise for a few weeks and then go back to riding your bike. This is the simple answer. Hardly anyone ever does anything simple on this forum but this time Miata is not the answer.

In reply to jimbob_racing:

The answer is actually to convert the Sportster to a hack! Side car rigs are fine in snow. Simple

Commuting on a motorcycle on ice is berkeleying suicidal. No way. Let her pick the car. Don't berkeley with it. It sounds like she put the choker on because you were being irresponsible. Don't do that.

Or, if you want to go to war, just take her car and leave her the bike.

rotard wrote: I make my own money. I spend my money on whatever I want. My wife makes her own money. She spends it on whatever she wants. As long as our bills are paid and we're saving money, we don't try to control each other. Heck, my wife has insisted on paying her share of the bills. If you would rather spend your money on cars instead of going to Disney World, well tough E36 M3 for her. What have you guys done for her during this span of time? Why should her happiness be worth more than yours? Where is the compromise?

Getting off topic, but I've never understood people who do this. As far as I'm concerend once you are married everything is shared. It's not even 50:50 it's 100% ours. There is no his/hers or yours/mine. There is no such thing as individual bank accounts, savings, retirement etc. If people aren't ready to share 100% then why even get married, just shack up together. There is no reason these days to be married unless you want to, so if your not prepared to be a true partnership, why get married?

Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote: Just go buy a damn car. I know there are lots of guys here who like to defend having to be the one to make all the compromises in the name of some sort of "woman on a pedestal" upbringing or whatever it is that makes them grovel like children to do the things they enjoy ... so I'll be the other guy. Anyone who uses the term SWMBO makes me judge them. Sorry. I know. But I'm a judgmental prick and I'm cool with that. I do what I want. The mrs does whatever she wants. We only check each other up if the consequences are too much (me blowing the retirement on a helicopter and lessons falls into this category ;)) We share the things we have in common and get out of the way for the ones we don't. Selfish? Maybe. I'm married 20 years this year. I wouldn't ever stay in a relationship that stood in my way. I wouldn't expect someone else to let me stand in theirs. Life is too short and the todo list is too long as it is. Just go buy a damn car.

This. The ex and I started out as this, I definitely did my part, stayed out of the house and family money where my toys were concerned, paid the majority of the bills (I was making more money), put money aside for retirement, etc. I quit racing motorcycles because the risk of serious injury leaving my family destitute became too great (and that was completely my decision, not hers), I've always had a thing for cars so I replaced the motorcycle thing with that. It kept me home a lot more than the bike thing did, which was good too.

Then as time went by things became more strained, it morphed into (finally) 'either the cars go or I'm leaving you'.

Well. Is that how it's going to be? I am to have no say over my own destiny or be able to do what I love? You knew I was like this back at the start, now you want to change horses in midstream?

Go. You need help packing?

She immediately backed off, but the damage was done. I count that as the moment my marriage really ended, it just took about another 18 months.

I will never be threatened like that again, being under someone else's thumb. Ain't gonna happen. If it means I live the rest of my life alone, well I guess that's the price I will have to pay.

Adrian_Thompson wrote: Getting off topic, but I've never understood people who do this. As far as I'm concerend once you are married everything is shared. It's not even 50:50 it's 100% ours. There is no his/hers or yours/mine. There is no such thing as individual bank accounts, savings, retirement etc. If people aren't ready to share 100% then why even get married, just shack up together. There is no reason these days to be married unless you want to, so if your not prepared to be a true partnership, why get married?

Budgeting. If all the money is shared, than the decisions on how to spend it have to be shared. The Baroness and I have a shared account for shared expenses and individual accounts for individual expenses. Most of those individual expenses are luxuries. I can use my personal funds to buy a new car if I want, or just eat out for lunch instead of packing. She doesn't have to worry that funds for that are coming out of the budget for food/rent/utilities, or even for shared vacations. I don't have to worry about how much she spends on pajamas or roller derby or eating out.

Entrepreneurial safety. If someone starts a business or gets into debt, and it sends collections after them, the partner has a safe haven of money that can't be touched. If all the money is in a joint account, the entire family finances can be wiped out, or both parties may have to declare bankruptcy instead of just one.

Expecting the best, but preparing for the worst. I got a healthy inheritance from my grandparents. I plan to buy a house with it. I'm going to put that house in my name. It will be practically "ours", but legally mine. I do not expect us to split, but E36 M3 happens. I want to protect myself in case it does, especially since I make less money and have fewer savings than she does.

Nick_Comstock wrote: Oh, we've been married 11 years and have been together for 15...er...I think. She knew long before we married how I am. She's not trying to change me, I'm pretty stubborn so it's not likely to happen anyway. I don't really know what the point of me posting this was. Just rambling thoughts that have been going through my head I guess. So, similar condition and price, which would you choose. A 1993 2 door, 2wd S10 blazer with a 4.3 and a 5spd or an 1996 2 door, 2wd XJ sport with a 4.0 and a 5spd?

Jeep.

I am not sure what I can do to help, I've been in exactly one relationship, and it seems to be working, so I can tell you what we do, but I can't promise that the others are wrong or that mine will work for you.

We are a single income family with four homeschooled kids. My income is OK by itself, but after paying for all of the homeschool stuff as well as the same taxes and such that we'd pay if using public school, along with three years of a very expensive private school for the first two kids, our savings account is gone and the incoming isn't that wonderful. Hence, we're usually pretty strapped.

We both have the same values for kids and our family, so we agree to buy more expensive food as a rule, not an exception, to give an example.

Tunatruck was bought as a 'restore while drive' vehicle as a proof of concept that I could restore a vehicle from the ground up without major support and without huge cash outlays. Since that started, a bunch of kids happened. The wife understands that the truck now has to be finished, because it's still worth $500 scrap no matter how many hours and dollars I put in until it's basically finished.

That said, she's not limiting me. We agree that we don't have money to spend on things. All of our money is all of our money. She makes some extra money from violin lessons and a few other things and stashes it away, but it's still our money. I get gift cards from work occasionally, but it's our money, not mine (except when I am buying her a present with them, and then it's mine).

So I get like $50-$150 per month, usually, to spend on the truck. If we have more, and I need stuff, she's OK. If we have less,a nd I have to spend $0, I understand.

I lease a Leaf for DD duty. I can't touch it. Our other vehicle is a minivan. I don't want to touch it. I am going to finish the truck before spending any on any other automotive pursuits. Not sure what they'll be. Lemons is a possibility since I tried to do both for a number of years.

Anyway, good luck. Money sucks. It's really hard to deal with.

Adrian_Thompson wrote:

rotard wrote: I make my own money. I spend my money on whatever I want. My wife makes her own money. She spends it on whatever she wants. As long as our bills are paid and we're saving money, we don't try to control each other. Heck, my wife has insisted on paying her share of the bills. If you would rather spend your money on cars instead of going to Disney World, well tough E36 M3 for her. What have you guys done for her during this span of time? Why should her happiness be worth more than yours? Where is the compromise?

Getting off topic, but I've never understood people who do this. As far as I'm concerend once you are married everything is shared. It's not even 50:50 it's 100% ours. There is no his/hers or yours/mine. There is no such thing as individual bank accounts, savings, retirement etc. If people aren't ready to share 100% then why even get married, just shack up together. There is no reason these days to be married unless you want to, so if your not prepared to be a true partnership, why get married?

This sounds great- in theory. In practical application, everyone needs their own thing, whatever that may be. Supporting each other's hobbies and etc is a must as is honesty (particularly where money is concerned), but a complete and even partnership in EVERYTHING? No, not seeing that.

For me, my car hobby is therapeutic. It's how I deal with the pressures of everyday life. Turning wrenches, bending/shaping metal, it's my 'me' time or my 'with the guys' time. That sounds selfish, but consider this: everyone needs their 'me' time. The best thing anyone can do for their s/o is support that need.

Beer Baron also brings up good points. Sometimes it's best to keep things completely separate so both parties don't go under if something bad happens. In my case, keeping separate accounts was the ONLY reason I am able to support my daughter now.

In 1988 I was racing at the SCCA Runoffs and a fellow competitor asked me where my wife was. I told him "She gave me an ultimatum, her or the race car. Damn, I miss that woman." Back on subject, your not having a car is unreasonable. As was suggested, either rent a car short term or have her pick one with the understanding that you won't then go crazy modifying it. Then stick to that agreement.

Adrian_Thompson wrote:

rotard wrote: I make my own money. I spend my money on whatever I want. My wife makes her own money. She spends it on whatever she wants.

Getting off topic, but I've never understood people who do this. As far as I'm concerend once you are married everything is shared. It's not even 50:50 it's 100% ours. There is no his/hers or yours/mine.

I'm in this camp, pretty firmly. The point is we both compromise, and we both encourage / discourage each other. We both are saving for retirement, all the rest of the money goes into common accounts.

However, we have our differences. She bought a new car for $27,000. I bought a used daily for $22000 and the Manic Miata for $5000, for the same net amount. In the long run, my way is more expensive, because my cars cost a bit more to insure and maintain. Her hobby is knitting - she buys maybe $1200 / year in yarn and tools. She'd buy more - and probably have more pets, too - except she limits herself to this. No problem. I also spend a couple hundred a year in entry fees, etc.

The Miata badly needs a new set of competition wheels and tires. This is $1200-$1400 of pure fluff; fun stuff for a hobby. I warned her it was coming; she was OK with it. Then circumstances changed, and we had to replace the Battle Bus this winter. We decided to get something a bit nicer than we actually needed, and wound up deciding - together - to buy the Concert Coach. Nobody has said anything, but I've already decided that the Miata has to wait another year. We spent that fluff money on the new (to us) van instead.

I'm OK with it - there's self control talking. Do I want wheels and tires? Desperately. Do I need them? Not really. So I can wait. But I'm reigning myself in here. I'll get them next year instead.

I'm with Beer Baron.

One point to add is that it helps maintain being equal partners in a marriage in a way. It allows us to control spending for ourselves without it being an exertion of control over the other. It can take a bit of extra work to divvy expenses on vacations, but it really isnt too bad.

If you are trying to be equitable in spending you will be tracking how spends how much, even if it is just on paper. (she may have bought a $400 antique whatchamacallit, but I bought a $2015 race car) Just a different way of tracking it.

Curmudgeon wrote: Then as time went by things became more strained, it morphed into (finally) 'either the cars go or I'm leaving you'. Well. Is that how it's going to be? I am to have no say over my own destiny or be able to do what I love? You knew I was like this back at the start, now you want to change horses in midstream? Go. You need help packing? She immediately backed off, but the damage was done. I count that as the moment my marriage really ended, it just took about another 18 months. I will never be threatened like that again, being under someone else's thumb. Ain't gonna happen. If it means I live the rest of my life alone, well I guess that's the price I will have to pay.

This, I definitely agree with. The first person that throws out an ultimatum loses. It's a line you do not cross unless it is something you absolutely cannot live with, like abuse or substance problems.

Duke wrote:

Curmudgeon wrote: Then as time went by things became more strained, it morphed into (finally) 'either the cars go or I'm leaving you'. Well. Is that how it's going to be? I am to have no say over my own destiny or be able to do what I love? You knew I was like this back at the start, now you want to change horses in midstream? Go. You need help packing? She immediately backed off, but the damage was done. I count that as the moment my marriage really ended, it just took about another 18 months. I will never be threatened like that again, being under someone else's thumb. Ain't gonna happen. If it means I live the rest of my life alone, well I guess that's the price I will have to pay.

This, I *definitely* agree with. The first person that throws out an ultimatum loses. It's a line you *do not* cross unless it is something you absolutely cannot live with, like abuse or substance problems.

Yep. When she decided that it was her way or the highway, well that was the beginning of the end. The sad thing is, I have seen similar things happen to other couples I know. A few worked through it in some way, most did not.

This is turning into a Red Pill thread

Duke wrote:

Adrian_Thompson wrote:

rotard wrote: I make my own money. I spend my money on whatever I want. My wife makes her own money. She spends it on whatever she wants.

Getting off topic, but I've never understood people who do this. As far as I'm concerend once you are married everything is shared. It's not even 50:50 it's 100% ours. There is no his/hers or yours/mine.

I'm in this camp, pretty firmly. The point is we *both* compromise, and we *both* encourage / discourage each other. We both are saving for retirement, all the rest of the money goes into common accounts. However, we have our differences. She bought a new car for $27,000. I bought a used daily for $22000 and the Manic Miata for $5000, for the same net amount. In the long run, my way *is* more expensive, because my cars cost a bit more to insure and maintain. Her hobby is knitting - she buys maybe $1200 / year in yarn and tools. She'd buy more - and probably have more pets, too - except she limits herself to this. No problem. I also spend a couple hundred a year in entry fees, etc. The Miata badly needs a new set of competition wheels and tires. This is $1200-$1400 of pure fluff; fun stuff for a hobby. I warned her it was coming; she was OK with it. Then circumstances changed, and we had to replace the Battle Bus this winter. We decided to get something a bit nicer than we actually needed, and wound up deciding - *together* - to buy the Concert Coach. Nobody has said anything, but *I've* already decided that the Miata has to wait another year. We spent that fluff money on the new (to us) van instead. *I'm* OK with it - there's self control talking. Do I want wheels and tires? Desperately. Do I *need* them? Not really. So I can wait. But I'm reigning *myself* in here. I'll get them next year instead.

My wife and I view each other as equals, and we're both very happy. I have no intention of trying to convince myself that I'm happy after being controlled for 10 years and neither does she.

Lots of good points here. Lots of different viewpoints to consider.

My advice is that your safety is primary, motorcycles are berkeleying dangerous. Lease a Kia and ignore it.

In reply to Nick_Comstock:

There is a lot of bad advice in this thread.

It's clearly not about her ultimatums, or the rightness or wrongness of them.

It's about honoring your word, and staying true to yourself.

There are a lot of guys on this forum who have had bad experiences with women, and who feel strongly about cars. Excellent- it's a car forum.

But I am hearing YOU say that this is a choice YOU made, and that you love your wife enough to follow through. Color me impressed (though it is a promise I might not have been able to make).

Keep your priorities. Keep improving your communication with your wife. Make good on any past errors you made. Seek a balanced approach to your needs and to hers.

And whatever you do, don't take marital advice from car guys.

SVreX wrote: In reply to Nick_Comstock: There is a lot of bad advice in this thread. It's clearly not about her ultimatums, or the rightness or wrongness of them. It's about honoring your word, and staying true to yourself.

Paul, while I agree with you about the commitment part, there was a "qualifying life event". Before he had a company truck to rely on. That is gone. So it's not a failure of honor to buy a 4-wheeled vehicle to replace it when circumstances don't permit riding the bike.

It does mean he needs to exercise self-restraint in what he buys and does to it, but it's not a failure to live up to his word since the external change of circumstances is outside of his control.

In reply to Duke:

I agree. That's why I used the word "balance".

I didn't suggest there was anything wrong with addressing the current problem/ need. (Together)

I am suggesting there is something wrong with the advice that says "berkeley her, go buy a damned car. She has no business trying to control you".

Ahh, but she doesn't have any business trying to control him, just like he doesn't have any business trying to control her. I read the OP as him feeling like she is controlling him. That's not good in the long run, but only he can decide if that is the correct interpretation. He should resent being controlled. He shouldn't resent making sacrifices if they are freely chosen and are balanced by sacrifices on her part as well.

Adrian_Thompson wrote:

rotard wrote: I make my own money. I spend my money on whatever I want. My wife makes her own money. She spends it on whatever she wants. As long as our bills are paid and we're saving money, we don't try to control each other. Heck, my wife has insisted on paying her share of the bills. If you would rather spend your money on cars instead of going to Disney World, well tough E36 M3 for her. What have you guys done for her during this span of time? Why should her happiness be worth more than yours? Where is the compromise?

Getting off topic, but I've never understood people who do this. As far as I'm concerend once you are married everything is shared. It's not even 50:50 it's 100% ours. There is no his/hers or yours/mine. There is no such thing as individual bank accounts, savings, retirement etc. If people aren't ready to share 100% then why even get married, just shack up together. There is no reason these days to be married unless you want to, so if your not prepared to be a true partnership, why get married?

This is how we operate.

Duke wrote: Ahh, but she *doesn't* have any business trying to *control* him, just like he doesn't have any business trying to control her. I read the OP as him feeling like she is controlling him. That's not good in the long run, but only he can decide if that is the correct interpretation. He *should* resent being controlled. He *shouldn't* resent making sacrifices if they are freely chosen and are balanced by sacrifices on her part as well.

I didn't mean for it to come out that way.

Really, it's just about me wanting a car.

It was a good day when my wife was unhappy to see my Miata sold.

Now she completely supports buying another. In general she likes my automotive hobby and willingness to fix my own cars, but she doesn't want anything to do with it, hence she bought a new car.

She'd rather me spend my money on bicycles, cars, and student loan debt than on video games and beer.