This forum and my wife are killing me

Adrian_Thompson wrote:

rotard wrote: I make my own money. I spend my money on whatever I want. My wife makes her own money. She spends it on whatever she wants. As long as our bills are paid and we're saving money, we don't try to control each other. Heck, my wife has insisted on paying her share of the bills. If you would rather spend your money on cars instead of going to Disney World, well tough E36 M3 for her. What have you guys done for her during this span of time? Why should her happiness be worth more than yours? Where is the compromise?

Getting off topic, but I've never understood people who do this. As far as I'm concerend once you are married everything is shared. It's not even 50:50 it's 100% ours. There is no his/hers or yours/mine. There is no such thing as individual bank accounts, savings, retirement etc. If people aren't ready to share 100% then why even get married, just shack up together. There is no reason these days to be married unless you want to, so if your not prepared to be a true partnership, why get married?

I don't need to ask permission to make purchases and sometimes there is no time to discuss, so a separate account for my hobby errr addiction works out perfectly for us. Married right at 11 years and couldn't be happier....currently at around 40 vehicles, my garage is bigger than our house, no kids,and we have no boring commuters. To say we're happy with how we've decided to handle our accounts etc is an understatement. Not every scenario works for every couple, and to say we're not in a true partnership is just ridiculous.

^This

I'd look at it like this, modding a beater car is cheaper than the possible hospital bill you'd incur if you dump the bike in foul weather.

Nick_Comstock wrote: Really, it's just about me wanting a car.

Not anymore it isn't.

This is about how your marriage is a sham and how you will save it by adding a side car to your sportster for foul weather.

Nick_Comstock wrote:

Duke wrote: Ahh, but she *doesn't* have any business trying to *control* him, just like he doesn't have any business trying to control her. I read the OP as him feeling like she is controlling him. That's not good in the long run, but only he can decide if that is the correct interpretation. He *should* resent being controlled. He *shouldn't* resent making sacrifices if they are freely chosen and are balanced by sacrifices on her part as well.

I didn't mean for it to come out that way. Really, it's just about me wanting a car.

Fair enough!

The line from the OP that's most telling to me: 'she is telling me no.' Hmmm. Sounds mighty one sided to me.

I can understand wanting to keep to the original deal, I can also understand that circumstances have changed since the original 'deal' was made (you lost use of a company vehicle) and that's an illustration of how compromise can sometimes be necessary due to things beyond your control. If she's really that inflexible on this what else can you expect her not to compromise on?

If it's not truly this way, then forget I said anything.

Tuna55 wrote:

"... Anyway, good luck. Money sucks. It's really hard to deal with."

My response may not applicable to Mr. Comstock's original statement but I shall respond nonetheless.

The wisdom in these simple words is stupefying. Ten years ago I would have just glossed over them, but at 35, with a wife and two children in grade school, for whom I am the sole provider, it rings excruciatingly true.

berkeleying spot on, Tuna.

I'm quite glad my wife grew up with a step-dad who was even more into cars than I am and that she is fine with my interest in them within reasons (she's laid down the law at 4 cars total at any time- mostly since any more is impractical at our house, though she is flexible on this if need be).

My 2 cents? Either take the rental car advice, or lease a Volt, plug-in Prius, or something else electric: something that you legally CANNOT modify and that will fit the bill as a commuter vehicle. You get the transportation that you need and don't have to worry about going overboard on it because the lease won't allow it and it's a whole different beast from the ground up.

Then go buy a nice entry-level (but upgradable) RC car and have fun playing with and working on that instead of a real car.

I'll just chime in with a similar answer - your agreement was predicated upon having a work vehicle to drive when riding wasn't feasible. The company car is gone, so the agreement needs to be revised.
Being forced to decide between riding in subfreezing temps, and bumming rides to/from work, is, to me, unacceptable. Particularly in your case with no health insurance, where a 'minor' crash could end up bankrupting you.

SVreX wrote: ^Yep^ Maybe a Prius

Or a minivan. Trust me - there is very little urge to modify a generic, FWD minivan. Not that it hasn't been done, but the urge is easy to resist. Hell, I have a hard time jsut doing basic maintenance on the beast.

In reply to Curmudgeon:

Everybody filters stuff like this based on their own experiences, and hears what they want to hear.

Mr. C has now clarified- it about him having a car.

Mr. C, you really need to come to terms with your wife, and nothing any of us say matters. Be true to yourself, and your priorities.

But I will echo what others have said, driving a bike in the snow or bumming rides is probably a dangerous choice. I think you should discuss a better option with your wife.

Ashyukun wrote: Then go buy a nice entry-level (but upgradable) RC car and have fun playing with and working on that instead of a real car.

You're a fool if you think is not easy to sink $2-3,000 into one of these things quickly. Given the right (or wrong) attitude, R/C cars make cocaine look cheap.

Ian F wrote: Or a minivan. Trust me - there is very little urge to modify a generic, FWD minivan.

Do not trust him. He is full of lies.

In reply to Cotton:

It's not about asking permission. It's about basic communication, and coming to a mutual agreement.

If your wife is happy with the fact that you have spent her money buying 40 current vehicles, she is a VERY unusual person.

I spend money without asking permission. So does my wife. But we BOTH own 100% of everything, and have communicated and agreed on a budget and how much to spend.

If my wife were to spend more than we have budgeted and agreed to without discussion with me, she would have crossed the line. But she doesn't, and I trust her.

Same thing in reverse. If I blow more money on cars than I have agreed to, then I have broken our agreement and violated her trust. And yes, I have done it on occasion, and yes, I was wrong, and yes, she had a right to be upset with me.

I'd try to rent for the next few weeks until it warms back up. Still cheaper than buying a beater, registering it, paying taxes, and (inevitably) fixing it. Then you can revisit the situation with a cooler head once you can use your bike again. If the bike alone still isn't working for you, then discuss with your wife the possibility of getting a cheap commuter (but don't mess with it).

My wife and I talk a lot about our vehicle situation. Right now, she's willing to trade some money by buying something newer so I'm in the garage less. Last year, I put a bunch of time into fixing some items on two of our cars, and it cuts into our family time (although the kids do help), and our time together. I did save thousands over what that work would have cost at a dealer, though, which she appreciated.

We're still trying to find the right balance. Last month I let the dealer change a serpentine belt (transverse V6) for $130. The part was $30, and I cringed paying the $100 to fix it, but in the end it saved me some time. On the flip side, this weekend I was in the garage doing oil changes, and fixing power sliding doors. I don't think we've ever had the perfect balance, but we communicate, and I think are both pretty reasonable about it.

SVreX wrote: In reply to Cotton: It's not about asking permission. It's about basic communication, and coming to a mutual agreement. If your wife is happy with the fact that you have spent her money buying 40 current vehicles, she is a VERY unusual person. I spend money without asking permission. So does my wife. But we BOTH own 100% of everything, and have communicated and agreed on a budget and how much to spend. If my wife were to spend more than we have budgeted and agreed to without discussion with me, she would have crossed the line. But she doesn't, and I trust her. Same thing in reverse. If I blow more money on cars than I have agreed to, then I have broken our agreement and violated her trust. And yes, I have done it on occasion, and yes, I was wrong, and yes, she had a right to be upset with me.

We're both pretty unusual, but in a very good way imo. I started collecting cars and bikes before we met, so not sure where you got 'her' money from. We both have good jobs. Anyway, now our money is ours, as are the cars and everything else we own, but regardless of shared ownership the collection is my thing. She has her own stuff she enjoys and spends money on and I sure don't ask her to let me know when she wants to drop a chunk of money. It may not work for you but it works for us and we love it.

In reply to Cotton:

"Our money is ours..."

Sounds like you are saying the exact same thing as Adrian and I.

Not sure what your disagreement is....

SVreX wrote: In reply to Cotton: "Our money is ours..." Sounds like you are saying the exact same thing as Adrian and I. Not sure what your disagreement is....

I can spend what I want, she can spend what she wants, we have separate accounts for this and don't have to have have a conversation anytime we make a major purchase. Yes it is 'our' money, but is is seperated in different accounts.

Appleseed wrote:

Ashyukun wrote: Then go buy a nice entry-level (but upgradable) RC car and have fun playing with and working on that instead of a real car.

You're a fool if you think is not easy to sink $2-3,000 into one of these things quickly. Given the right (or wrong) attitude, R/C cars make cocaine look cheap.

Oh, I'm well aware of that- I was heavily into them when I was in HS and most of what I made working part time then went into my car(s). But it's not TECHNICALLY a car for the purposes of the '5-Year Plan' and would at least partially satisfy the need to tinker and modify something- which could also be raced if you're in the right place.

In reply to Cotton:

So, your issue has something to do with how many bank accounts you have?

Doesn't sound that important to me. We have eight. I think. Both our names are on all of them.

SVreX wrote: In reply to Cotton: So, your issue has something to do with how many bank accounts you have? Doesn't sound that important to me. We have eight. I think. Both our names are on all of them.

We have accounts that are individual only, both names are not on all accounts. It is no big deal to us and we can move money around as desired, but yes we do have individual accounts. Apparently, according to some, if you do this you aren't committed to the marriage, which is what I initially took exception to.

Relationship advice is tricky, because what works for one person or people might not work for another. Most of us who are married or in a long-term relationship exist somewhere between the extremes of "Fully Bob Costas-whipped" and "F her, I do whatever I want." Everyone has to find a place on that continuum that they and their partner are comfortable with.

As far as the bank accounts thing, my wife and I have everything shared, but I know my parents didn't when my dad was alive. They had "His", "Hers", and "Theirs". They also made pretty much equal money, so maybe it was easier to compromise. I make quite a bit more than my wife, but yeah, if I'm going to spend a bunch, of course I talk to her. We're partners. And she's very understanding. Which is probably related to the fact that I do a ton of work around the house, volunteer for the kids activities, and support the stuff she likes to do. In turn, she doesn't have a problem with me spending money and time on cars. I think she'd rather have me out in the barn wrenching than hanging out in bars or some such thing.

In reply to Cotton:

I am glad you are happy. I think you are (in part) hearing it the way you want to.

I do financially coaching, and I have never seen 2 separately owned accounts that were equal, fair, and accessible to all. I have seen many, many times where 1 person thought it worked perfectly (always the one with the most), while the other was barely getting by with a stipend.

You may be the exception, but like I said before you would be a VERY rare case.

One note... From a legal perspective, regardless of what you call it or how you use it, your bank account does not belong to her. It's not "ours". It can cause very big problems when there is a disagreement, emergency, separation, death, etc.

Sounds like you have a better arrangement than many, but consider the "bad times" scenarios, for both of your sake.

SVreX wrote: I do financially coaching, and I have never seen 2 separately owned accounts that were equal, fair, and accessible to all. I have seen many, many times where 1 person thought it worked perfectly (always the one with the most), while the other was barely getting by with a stipend. You may be the exception, but like I said before you would be a VERY rare case.

The people that have it where it is equal and fair probably would not be coming in for financial coaching.

[FWIW, we plan on having joint finances when we get married]

Here's an example...

My step mother recently passed away. She was 21 years younger than my Dad, and had no children of her own.

At her death, he became the owner of everything she had. They had separate accounts.

What this effectively means, is that I will now inherit her money. It's quite a bit.

Her brothers, and none of her blood relatives will inherit anything at all (except for specific items outlined in her will).

No one expected her to pass away before my Dad. He's 89. If my Dad had passed away first, her brothers would have inherited her money.

So, her brothers could easily get quite pissed off at me, and start a family feud.

If they had had joint accounts, the outcome would have been the same, but her will and desires would have been much clearer. It would be obvious that she wanted everything to go to my Dad (and later me), simply because she had always deposited the money in the shared account.