To drop a dime or not...

I do not usually talk too much about family. My little sister is one of those people I could very well do without and if I never saw her again, I would be a very happy person. To be honest, she does have problems with being bipolar, but overall, she uses that disease to her advantage, just like everything else in life. If she cannot use it, she has no time for it.

A few years ago my Mother got custody of my now 13 year old niece, the one I have mentioned I have become the father figure to. My sister wants her back.

Some background, my sister lives with her b/f (she's still technically married to the father of my niece) and her 6 month old daughter in a bedroom in Carlisle Pa. Living is an overstatement. They are living in the bedroom of one of her b/f's friends. The Friend is a major drug user and is a pusher for the neighborhood. I do not want my niece to move into that environment, but there may be no talking my sister and niece out of this decision.

My niece has it good here, my mother spends a lot of time and most of her money keeping her clothed, fed, and making sure she gets what she wants and needs. My sister makes a little less than $300 a month from the state in disability and her b/f is so far behind in child support that by the time he gets a cheque from working 40 hours.. it is less than $100. They have no car, they could be thrown out at any time the owner of the house wants to throw them out, and now my Sis wants to drag my niece into the same hell holish existence. I personally think she is doing it to get more money out of the state and possible for some section 8 housing.. like I said, my sister always has an angle.

As their "landlord" is both a serious druggie and a pusher, I am very tempted to go up there and talk to the cops. While I do not want to see my youngest niece put into Foster Care (my mom cannot handle two kids) I do not want to see the oldest put into that situation. 13 is a very influential time and my mom and I have spent a -lot- of effort making sure she has every opportunity to thrive and succeed in this world. I fear my niece is seeing my sister through rose tinted glasses and forgets the events that led up to my mom taking custody.

I am going to take her out tomorrow to let her choose her birthday present (what do you buy a 13 y/o girl?!?) and I am going to sit down with her over lunch and try to persuade her not to move up there.. if it does come to it.. I am very tempted to drop that dime

help

There comes a time when you've got to do what you've got to do. If the 13-year-old is away from that and in danger of going back, I wouldn't hesitate to do it. It would probably be worth a review of the baby's living conditions as well.

Blood is thicker than water, they say, but I don't believe that. You don't owe her anything just because she is your sister, especially not if she's made a life of continuous bad decisions. If anything, your family loyalty should lie toward the 2 kids, who haven't had the chance to make choices yet.

I feel for you and wish you the best.

snitches get stitches.

But really, whatever you can do to keep the girl out of that situation is probably for the best.

Remember, RAT can also mean Right Action Taken. You aren't snitching for personal gain or to curry favour. You are acting for the best interests of a child.

my mom does have legal custody. My sis comes down to visit every couple of months to sponge off of my mom for a week or two and then she goes home. Right now, she has managed to convince my niece to move in with her in Carlisle.

So, she wants to move away from a loving environment with lots of friends and close by family into a one bedroom hell to be home schooled by my sis (who barely graduated HS).

When my niece was a baby, my sister and my (Still) brother in law) lived with me. When she broke up with him, she moved in with a real loser of a b/f who took her to Chicago where he basically kept my sister and my niece as slaves. While my niece has told her therapist (yes, the poor girl is in therapy from everything that has happened to her over her short lifetime) that the B/f did not sexually molest her, he did abuse her mentally and physically.

My sis can be very charismatic and must have worked her charms to get my niece to even consider going back

So has the events or situation that led to your mom getting custody been resolved? If your mom was given custody by child services, then I don't think she (sister) can get any welfare or wic from having her (niece) move back in unless child services has verified that the situation is resolved.

I'm with Datsun; do whatever it takes to keep the 13 year old from being sucked into the void. If you're sister won't do what's in the best interest of the child/children someone needs to step in and fix the situation.

Yeah, that third paragraph sealed the deal. I'd do anything necessary to keep the girl out of the situation. Living in non-stable conditions and with a drug dealer/user is going to end very poorly for her. This kind of a situation makes me think of some very bad endings for the girl. Not to go right to the extreme, but lots of drug dealers have sold young kids off for drug money. The ending rarely ends up like The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air.

Datsun1500 wrote: Your mom has legal custody. If she says she can't go, she can't go. Tell your sister and your niece, sorry, not your decision. If your sister won't let it go, block her access to the niece. She lost her parental rights. Would you let a stranger badger the niece into moving? Legally, that's what she is.

This is how it is in California as well. For all intensive purposes she has no rights to the daughter and the caregiver has all the liability as well. IE she could not just let her go off at 13 without opening herself up to prosecution for endangerment.

RAT away and make sure it does not get back to you. If you simply call in on a burner cell and tell the cops that you smell chemicals in the home, plus shady people leaving at all hours, that's all they need to do a search and seize on a home if there is a dealer inside. Not the most legal way but it will get them on there radar really fast.

Datsun1500 wrote: Your mom has legal custody. If she says she can't go, she can't go. Tell your sister and your niece, sorry, not your decision. If your sister won't let it go, block her access to the niece. She lost her parental rights. Would you let a stranger badger the niece into moving? Legally, that's what she is.

In most states, this is the final straw. If your mom has legal custody, then your sister legally has go through hoops just to have visitation. Custody is a complete no-go unless she has proved to the state authority that she is fit to parent, and if what you state is true it sounds like she's a long way from that. Frankly, if you do rat her out it sounds like she will lose custody of the child she has now (6 month old) which may be best for that child. If you decide to, before you do, i'd talk with your mom and let her know what's going on re your sister and the 13 year old. Children are easily manipulated and 13 year old girls are very vulnerable to that sort of manipulation. (Girls especially, mommy issues can be worse than daddy ones.) But to keep family issues from coming up, don't let anyone know what you are about to do if you decide to go that route.

If by "legal custody" you mean your mother has a guardianship over the child, it is neither your sister's nor your niece's call when/if she moves back in with your sister. If its something less, like a power of attorney, unfortunately only dropping a dime of some kind (child protective services and/or local drug team) is probably the only way to go. You may need the assistance of an attorney to tell you which type of document your mother has.

I can tell you from over two decades in law enforcement and child protection work that a 13 year old living with an unrelated drug pusher is going to end up hooked on drugs, pregnant or, more likely, both. Do whatever you have to do.

If your mom has custody, the she's in trouble when (not if) they find the girl with your sister. Don't pretend sister has a say in this.

kazoospec wrote: Do whatever you have to do.

this

That's not snitching, it's doing the right thing. Whatever it takes to keep that child safe.

things have been pushed back a bit. Talking to my mom, my Niece wants to wait till after the holidays. I think it sounds like she is having second thoughts of her own. I was going to take her out shopping tomorrow, just her and I.. and now my Mom and my sis have somehow decided they are coming too...

I begin to think my Sister is trying her hardest from me getting my niece alone... but I will prevail even if I have to pick her up from school (I am an emergency contact)

make the call … don't wait for things to happen … make the call (pre-emptive strike as it were) … make the call

Do the right thing, especially for the 6 mo. child. Try to gain support from the rest of the family before you make any moves like calling Child Services.

A 13 year old girl is right on the verge of becoming a young WOMAN. It's important that any thing that is done, is for the better of her Mom and the baby.

Good Luck!

Oh god, don't put it on the kid to be responsible for the decision. She probably will be scared to say no to her mom. That environment would be almost impossible for a young person to thrive in, and like others have pointed out, she'd be at risk.

Man. Bad situation. Do whatever you need to do to keep that kid safe. There's not much you can do for the 6 month old at this point except snitch, but the 13 y/o is another story.

As a custodial parent who's been through that whole legal wrangle I can say that your mom has all the legal rights and your sister has none. That was the whole point of awarding her custody.

This means your mom has the final say, the 13 y/o has none since she has not reached the age of majority and frankly does not have the life experience to be able to make a decision like this. Her so called wants (which will change with the wind) take a back seat to the number one priority of her being kept safe which, in this instance, seems to be linked to keeping her away from your sister. Your mom's foot needs to come down hard.

Will she rebel? Quite possibly. Be ready for it. If she disappears to go stay with her mom, well now the police can get involved which could fix that whole 'snitch' thing.

EDIT: I'd avoid the preemptive strike snitch right now. Not trying to be overly dramatic, but if the dope dealer landlord gets a sniff that the police will be around trying to get the 6 month old if he has any sense at all sis and BF will be kicked out of the house and the baby along with them. It's bad enough for them, but for the baby it could be disastrous. It might suck badly right now, but at least the kid has a roof over her head and at 6 months the situation is not going to influence her development. By around age 2 that changes drastically so maybe that's the time frame to work toward.

+1000 on contacting the police. Both of those children need to be protected from that environment. Your sister gave up her rights when she chose to live in her current situation.

I hope this works out with a good ending. And I thought this was about 510's.

Duke wrote: ... Blood is thicker than water, they say, but I don't believe that. ...

Everyone has said the truth... Keep the kid out of that situation..

And don't worry about that quote. The origin of it is "(The) Blood (of battle) is thicker than water (of the womb)" Basically, you're more "family" because you overcame adversity together than if you just happened to be born to the same mother.

I'd say that applies here exceptionally.

Curmudgeon wrote: This means your mom has the final say, the 13 y/o has none since she has not reached the age of majority and frankly does not have the life experience to be able to make a decision like this. Her so called wants (which will change with the wind) take a back seat to the number one priority of her being kept safe which, in this instance, seems to be linked to keeping her away from your sister. Your mom's foot needs to come down hard.

Mom is my Trump Card. If I know my sister, these last two weeks have been here nagging my poor mom to death and keeping her from making good decisions (keeping her up late, waking her up early, take me here, take me there, you should do this... etc etc etc) and doing the same to my niece.

Mom values family over all else. All she has left is her kids, grandkids, and a brother who is exactly like my sister (A serious user of all around him) so if push comes to shove, I can always remind my mom that if she lets my niece go, I will never forgive her for making the worst decision in her life.

I would move half way around the world and work on a goat farm if it kept my family safe/happy. You are correct to pursue any option that will keep your niece out of harms way. I wouldn't expect dropping a dime on the drug dealing landlord will do much. the police will likely go knock on the door, ask if they can see the place, drug dealer will say no, then cops turn around and go back to the office/donut shop. But, if you are at all involved in the custody part with FOC, you could make it public about drugs being in the house. That may raise the proper red flags.

Someone you don't like very much has the potential to hurt someone you care about. I'd work hard to keep that from happening.