What's the big deal?

So, long story short, the wife and I can't have kids, wife's depressed, her best friend had a baby in November, wife is infatuated with baby.

Onward.

I don't like holding babies, it makes me uncomfortable and I don't get those warm gushy feelings it seems everyone else gets when holding a baby. I straight up just do not like holding babies. I made this clear to my wife when the baby was born. I said I'll hold him once so it doesn't look like I'm a total shiny happy person.

The first time the wife and I see the baby, my wife and her friend spent a good 20-30 min guilt tripping me and I finally held the child just so they would leave me alone. No gushy feelings.

The next time we go over to their house, I downright refuse to hold the baby. When we leave, my wife gives me a lecture on how I am an shiny happy person and they are our best friends and blah blah blah. I became a space cadet at that point.

The wife went over there yesterday and got to play with the baby and loved every minute of it. She came home and just went on about how cute he is and the noises he makes, etc. I didn't really care.

Late last night she decided inquire about why I didn't care, what my problem was with the baby, and why I have a grudge against a baby. I told her that I don't care about the baby, there is nothing exciting about it. She says well maybe I would feel different if I interacted with him more. I tell her no.

I feel like my wife is making a bigger deal out of this than I am. I felt that I voiced my feeling on the subject and that everyone should respect that.

Am I being an shiny happy person? Or is everyone making a big deal out of this?

Maybe when the day comes I have my own child I will feel differently, but for the moment I don't like holding other peoples children.

I used to be you. Then I became an uncle. The first one was boring until it got old enough to play with. 6 nieces and nephews later, they're all fun. My own (first) kid is almost 11 weeks old and is actually entertaining. They start interacting at around 6 weeks. They can recognize faces.

Grow up and play with the kid. The first time it recognizes that it remembers you and smiles will change your life.

I see nothing wrong on your part. I don't like other people's children, either. My own are a different story, though. Other people that force their kids on you are the shiny happy ones.

SyntheticBlinkerFluid wrote: Maybe when the day comes I have my own child I will feel differently, but for the moment I don't like holding other peoples children.

You will hold your own kids. You will never like holding someone else's baby.

The correct response is "I'm not feeling well and don't want to get the little fella sick"

As to the rest... the wife is angry with you for appearing not be a fit, eager parent and her clock is ticking like a giant bomb. Her genes are firing all the sexual selection hormones. Learn to pretend. It is what all the other men do.

Everyone is making a big deal of this. Men and women are wired totally different when it comes to babies/children. I never got gushy holding someone else's baby and would avoid when possible. It's not in our genes to really care.

Now when we had our children, all bets were off. Even now at 6 and 8 I can bring myself to tears staring at my little angels. Other people's kids...nope. In fact little kids that aren't mine annoy me just as much as before I had my own kids. I only have slightly more patience for my nieces and nephews.

She just has to realize until a baby has YOUR DNA, you just won't care.

Javelin wrote: Grow up and play with the kid. The first time it recognizes that it remembers you and smiles will change your life.

Everyone is different...I have 20 nephews and nieces, and I never did get used to babies. I do get along with them fine now that they're all grown up.

Back to the original post, I see this becoming a big problem that you need to talk to your wife about...you don't want kids and she apparently does, and it's not going to get better by avoiding the issue.

Dude, I am with you 100%. It's changed a little since I've had my own, but that is purely because I have a hard time believing he was ever newborn size. But any other kid? Nah, screw it, they're no fun. When they're older and they can DO stuff, I can stand them for a little bit. But beyond that I have NO desire to interact with other peoples children.

stuart in mn wrote:

Javelin wrote: Grow up and play with the kid. The first time it recognizes that it remembers you and smiles will change your life.

Everyone is different...I have 20 nephews and nieces, and I never did get used to babies. I do get along with them fine now that they're all grown up. Back to the original post, I see this becoming a big problem that you need to talk to your wife about...you don't want kids and she apparently does, and it's not going to get better by avoiding the issue.

Doesn't matter what she wants, they can't have kids... Wife still seems to be going all ga-ga over other people's kids, which is normal. Husband doesn't seem to care. Which is also normal.

What's not normal is wife dressing down husband over not wanting to hold a baby. That's what needs to be addressed.

I'm extremely uncomfortable around babies, don't want to touch them, hell, i don't even want to be in the same room with them. I WILL fight you to the bitter end over holding one. It's NOT going to happen.

I'm also not going to have any of my own. End of story. I'm not going to "grow up and play with the kid." My life choice.

SyntheticBlinkerFluid wrote: So, long story short, the wife and I can't have kids, wife's depressed, her best friend had a baby in November, wife is infatuated with baby. ... Maybe when the day comes I have my own child I will feel differently, but for the moment I don't like holding other peoples children.

Given the above, I would recommend looking into adoption.

I hated babies until I had one. The moment she was born, I couldn't imagine life without her.

But you couldn't make me have another at gunpoint. There are photos of me holding nephews with outstretched arms.

Please do not hand me your child, for they are my Kryptonite.

Woody speaks for me too.

Am I the only one that noticed this line?

SyntheticBlinkerFluid said: ...long story short, the wife and I can't have kids, wife's depressed...

In my UN-official, UN-educated opinion, this is the closest she will have to her own, and wants you to view it the same way.

There could also be resentment about the inability to have kids...

I hated kids until I spend a good deal of time with them. When I was younger I despised kids between the ages of 0-6. They were too young to really be "smart" and toddlers I just thought were whining.

When I was 25 I worked a YMCA wilderness resident camp. Kids were between 5-16. I was the camp maintenance dude. The first couple of weeks, most of the kids thought I was some sort of bearded wild man who fixed things and mowed the lawns.

It wasn't until I started randomly joining activities, letting loose the funny man in me, and generally interacting that the kids really warmed up to me.

Babies are one thing, but once a kid looks up to you because your "cool", man...that changes everything. Now I really enjoy kids once they are old enough to walk. Babies are still weird.

scardeal wrote:

SyntheticBlinkerFluid wrote: So, long story short, the wife and I can't have kids, wife's depressed, her best friend had a baby in November, wife is infatuated with baby. ... Maybe when the day comes I have my own child I will feel differently, but for the moment I don't like holding other peoples children.

Given the above, I would recommend looking into adoption.

Adoption is the next step, right now we are going to use up the rest of our IVF coverage that our insurance has before we take the adoption route.

And FYI I do want to have kids, but unfortunately it's not possible on our own.

92CelicaHalfTrac wrote:

stuart in mn wrote:

Javelin wrote: Grow up and play with the kid. The first time it recognizes that it remembers you and smiles will change your life.

Everyone is different...I have 20 nephews and nieces, and I never did get used to babies. I do get along with them fine now that they're all grown up. Back to the original post, I see this becoming a big problem that you need to talk to your wife about...you don't want kids and she apparently does, and it's not going to get better by avoiding the issue.

Doesn't matter what she wants, they can't have kids... Wife still seems to be going all ga-ga over other people's kids, which is normal. Husband doesn't seem to care. Which is also normal. What's not normal is wife dressing down husband over not wanting to hold a baby. That's what needs to be addressed. I'm extremely uncomfortable around babies, don't want to touch them, hell, i don't even want to be in the same room with them. I WILL fight you to the bitter end over holding one. It's NOT going to happen. I'm also not going to have any of my own. End of story. I'm not going to "grow up and play with the kid." My life choice.

I feel exactly the same way.

In reply to neon: No, I didn't miss it at all. Men and women are genetically hardwired differently. And yeah she expects him to immediately feel exactly as she does. Since the guy does not lie about his feelings on the subject (IMHO most women when they say they want honesty actually mean 'say what I want to hear') that makes him an shiny happy person.

SBF, you have a tough row to hoe ahead.

My wife and I have similar sentiments regarding kids. Babies aren't really interesting (not ours; we don't have plans for any in the near future), we will interact with them, but its not really desirable. Once they begin to talk/walk/interact with others a bit more and stop being (mostly) crying, puking, baby-poo generators, we are much more interested in being active with them.

Having one of our own would change that completely.

Edit: +1 to Neon, but change "resentment" to "frustration". If she resents you (OP), you've got major issues and should seek help; frustration is to be expected and dealt with with sensitivity. Sounds like she's being a bit unreasonable about how she expects you to feel about someone else's kid, but that's likely a byproduct of her frustration. An earnest heart-to-heart discussion will help you better understand the playing field and better judge how to proceed.

Rock and a hard place... I won't think you're out of line, but as mentioned, you're trying to be rational - and a lot of women just ain't rational when it comes to babies. I'm not sure there's much you can do except reitterate not be comfortable around babies.

I'll admit I have little interest in other people's kids and have rarely held a baby (probably count on one hand over the past 41 years). However, I'll admit all bets would be off if it were my own. You may have to work on tricking your brain into believing the adopted baby is yours, but I'm sure you'll get there if you want it enough.

I just hate the people that presume they're "such a blessing". Sure my kid is cool, and he's fun and all, but he's also a flat out pain sometimes. He's at the stage where he grabs EVERYTHING, so i'm guaranteed a beard pull or several any time i'm with him. He's also discovered the joy of rolling over - especially when we've left a fresh steamer in our diaper and i'm trying to change it. Bottom line is- he's a lot of damn work. He's more than enough for me, I don't really want to help you with yours. I'll look at it, say it's cute, think in the back of my head that there's no way it's human, and move on. Given my active choice, I would not have had children. Wife and I were given a very similar story to OP- and wife was ok with it. A little bummed, but given her health issues..... it was probably a bad idea to begin with. So of course, we never even bothered. Yeah..... impossible my ass.

SBF, sounds reasonable to me, Im not all that comfortable holding peoples babies.

2 of our really close friends are having a baby very soon, I suspect I might feel a little different about that one, and I know for a fact if it were my own baby you'd have to pry it from my cold dead hands.

Don't be surprised if your wife brings up adoption if you two are unable to have a baby.

My wife was anti-baby. I don't really care either way. Until it seemed like a E36 M3 ton of our friends were all getting pregnant at the same time, and another couple just adopted. Now she says "if we don't have one by 35 we wont have one", but we aren't trying anytime soon.

PseudoSport wrote:

92CelicaHalfTrac wrote:

stuart in mn wrote:

Javelin wrote: Grow up and play with the kid. The first time it recognizes that it remembers you and smiles will change your life.

Everyone is different...I have 20 nephews and nieces, and I never did get used to babies. I do get along with them fine now that they're all grown up. Back to the original post, I see this becoming a big problem that you need to talk to your wife about...you don't want kids and she apparently does, and it's not going to get better by avoiding the issue.

Doesn't matter what she wants, they can't have kids... Wife still seems to be going all ga-ga over other people's kids, which is normal. Husband doesn't seem to care. Which is also normal. What's not normal is wife dressing down husband over not wanting to hold a baby. That's what needs to be addressed. I'm extremely uncomfortable around babies, don't want to touch them, hell, i don't even want to be in the same room with them. I WILL fight you to the bitter end over holding one. It's NOT going to happen. I'm also not going to have any of my own. End of story. I'm not going to "grow up and play with the kid." My life choice.

I feel exactly the same way.

Agreed. And i've got three nephews who 7, 5, and 3.

They are cool and all, and I'll hang out with them when they are around. But I'm not picking them up to babysit or going out of my way.

I have no intention of having kids either.

This place has too many people as it is.

Anything with a diaper can forget me holding it. Not interested. Especially if it's other peoples kids. No way, no how, not going to happen. I don't like kids under the age of 20. Then again, I don't like most people over 20 either. Maybe it's a people thing, not a kid thing.

My 4 kids? That was a different story. It was a bit of a chore until they got older and could communicate. I love them to death, but I really don't like babies. Thank God the youngest is 9 now. . Stick to your guns SBF. If you don't like babies, nothing she says will make that change. It took my wife a while to realize it too. She still calls me a cold, unfeeling shiny happy person on occasion.

Been in your shoes on both counts, eventually medical science helped us and we have 2 awesome PIA kids. And like you, I never had that gushy feeling with OPK. But for the sake of keeping peace and harmony I played along and just kept it short. Sometimes you really need to pick your battles wisely.

edit: remember its a crazy emotional time for wifey, specially if shes all pumped up with infertility drugs.

I don't get it either. I have two nieces and a nephew. I've spent enough time with them to know that they're fine kids, I've held them as babies to help out, and I can go visit with them and have a good time, but it's not something that I want for my own, 24/7/365 for the rest of my life. My favorite part is handing them back and going home to my peaceful, kid-free life.

If you're trying for a baby and showing this ambivalence towards babies, maybe SWMBO sees this as not being fully into the kid thing. If you're having a hard time convincing her yours will be different, you may have to figure out some way of demonstrating how much you want your own kid.

No sage advice here. I've identified kids as something that's not for me and any SWMBO who comes into my life will be well aware of that. You're on your own ;)

I am not one to often make assumption but this issue and the calling you a shinny happy has far less to do with your resistance to holding other peoples kids and far more to do with your wife's emotions about the infertility. Anger at the situation (which is hard to direct) has been directed toward you.

Be there and be helpful by taking far more of the brunt that you deserve.

Much of this is speaking from my experiences in my own childless marriage.