Am I a bad person?

My wife wants kids pretty badly. I'm personally indifferent most of the time. I think it would be pretty awesome to raise a kid well, but I'm not so sure my wife and I could do a proper job.

If we have kids, fine. I'm even okay for adoption. It's not the end of the world if I don't have a kid, not in the least bit.

Think of it this way, you're the like the antithesis of a Maury Povich guest. You thought through your actions and consequences, opted to be a positive role model to other people's kids, and even looked into (no matter the end result) giving a child without a family a home.

If that makes you a bad person, then that makes the creatures on Maury good people. If that's the case this is not a world I want to be a part of.

I look at this from a selfish aspect, which I don't qualify as a bad thing in any way. There's so much stuff I want to do that having a kid would seriously hamper. Screw that. I could use more money, too, but just like kids, working more would hamper my Me Time. And I'm pretty damn important to me.

Same with my SO - she's important to her, I'm important to her, and she's important to me. I'm not terribly interested in disrupting any part of that dynamic.

I'm happy with a dog or two. Nobody complains when you leave them outside or put them in a crate for a few hours while you go out for dinner and drinks.

You know what? Berkeley 'em all. It's nobody's business whether you don't have kids by chance or choice. I mean, what kind of boorish ill-mannered slob would even have an opinion about something like that?

You know what's selfish? People who have kids because they're "lifestyle enhancements." Why don't they just come out and admit they wanted the tax deductions?

Every one of my friends and family members who had kids (and I mean every one) told me that, while the job of raising them is rewarding and all, it's not everything it's made out to be. For the most part, they're glad it's over and they wouldn't want to do it again. These are people who loved their kids and raised them well but they're done.

So don't feel bad because you didn't have kids. Feel good because you have a wife who loves you, a decent job to go to, and a whole bunch of family and friends who obviously love and respect you. You are a rich man, sir. Having kids wouldn't make you any richer. It would just be different.

ditchdigger wrote: There is a huge difference between being "childless" and "childfree"

+1

Since I teach, I really get my fill of them and don't have a desire for any anytime soon. If you really feel the need to do something like that, go become a Big Brother or something. You can be a good role model, and still be able to go home at the end of the day and have all the fun you want, in any state of dress, in any room of the house.

I also take a look similar to Alex: I'm kind of selfish, but that's not a bad thing. I have things I want to do and be set up to do. If I don't set myself up to do those things before having kids, I sure won't be able to do them afterwards.

I think about how expensive racing cars is and wonder how I'm able to afford it. Then I realize, "Oh yeah, I don't have any kids." When I'm broke, I look at the car and say, "I'm sorry, I can't afford to feed you this month."

When you are looking at a new car, or just after you purchase one you start seeing them all over. Could it be Wally that because you are a DINK (double income no kids) that it is on your mind? I'm not suggesting you're overly sensitive, just more aware.

Have patience and apathy for those poor souls that don't know they are rude insensitive clods.

Dan

intrepid wrote: For what its worth, I think you are a good person, The planet is waay over-populated as is. We really don't need any more humans at this point. -Chris R.

Chris R. For President

SWMBO and I are in the "we want kids" bucket - but we also want to be in as stable a position as possible (read: 4cf needs his effing degree ) before we take a serious shot at it. We've stopped trying to avoid a child, but havent gone as far as taking her temp or peeing on testers. Theres an outside chance we wont be able to conceive due to some conditions on my end. But essentially its a toss up - if we do, we are both happy, if not, not the end of the world. We have a niece and nephew who are great, and thats fine by us.

be the good aunt and uncle and be happy you can send the kids back home , go on vacation any time , go out on a saturday night .....................

It really galls me when people insert themselves into your business like wanting or not wanting kids. I would have been content to not have kids at all. My wife though was all up on having kids. I have two. The daughter has been the more "enjoyable" of the two, and is about to grace us with our first grandchild. The situtation isn't great, but it is what it is. My son is 31 and still in college. And he just burned up the engine in his 95 Accord. The car we gave him. The forth car.

One of the worst things you can ask a married couple is "so when are you having kids?" For all you know they have been trying and maybe even had a miscarriage (or several). Anyone giving you grief for not having kids deserves a gut punch. If you want kids, you will know it. If you don't want kids, that is perfectly fine. You can be involved as much as you want in the lives of your friend's kids, or even be a mentor to a kid.

After finding out that my brother and his wife had miscarried right around the same time we announced we were expecting was crushing. I am glad I never discussed or asked him why they hadn't gotten pregnant yet. It wasn't until after my son was born that I realized what had really happened. They had a little girl last spring but it wasn't easy.

Then again there is my friend Jorge who once at a family gathering after being hounded yet again about not having kids, announced to the family "fine, clear the table, we're going to start making kids RIGHT NOW!" They never bugged him again...

Buy a nice Corvette and make all those people jealous....JK.

In reply to slefain:

You aren't kidding! With the trend towards waiting until after you are 30 to start having kids, it seems like about half the women have some trouble with probably a quarter of them have serious trouble or can't get pregnant. Basically, if you have married friends, you know someone who is having trouble or can't get pregnant. They are friends, so they won't tell you your success is crushing them, but it is.

Actually Wally I'm jealous. All the $$$$ you don't spend on college tuition, books, housing, buying them a car, insurance, money for dates etc., you get to spend on cars.

$8k on part time day care last year.

I enjoy being the "cool uncle" means I can rile the rugrats up, feed them sugar, and let them stay up all night.. and then hand them off to their parents all ready to go

MrJoshua wrote: In reply to slefain: You aren't kidding! With the trend towards waiting until after you are 30 to start having kids, it seems like about half the women have some trouble with probably a quarter of them have serious trouble or can't get pregnant. Basically, if you have married friends, you know someone who is having trouble or can't get pregnant. They are friends, so they won't tell you your success is crushing them, but it is.

This is happening to a friend of mine. Her Grandparents keep asking when they are having kids. She has gotten pregnant twice and lost it both times. Now, they are thinking of adopting.

patgizz wrote: the people looking down at you are the bad people.

+1

My wife and I don't have any children and to be brutally honest we just don't want any. We've been married for over 6 years and we felt the same way before we got married. We really enjoy each others company. At first our parents gave us grief, but they're past that now. We have several pets and that's probably the closest we'll ever get to parenthood.

We've had the strange looks in the past, but it doesn't bother us. It's amazing how many people think you must have children.

914Driver wrote: Actually Wally I'm jealous. All the $$$$ you don't spend on college tuition, books, housing, buying them a car, insurance, money for dates etc., you get to spend on cars.

Bee. Aye. Ehn. Gee. Oh. Nail on the head, buddy. Although the 'wife' and I are thinking exotic Italian motorcycles.

JoeyM wrote:

Wally wrote: Is it wrong that I am ok not having kids?

No, there's nothing wrong with that. The "cool uncle" is a wonderful role....

Sounds like your childless status is already paying off by helping you identify the shiny happy people around you.

I love my kids and am glad I had them. I also love steak, but don't think everyone has to eat it. And much like my meat-eating habits, my decision to procreate sometimes causes me much guilt, because I agree: it's not exactly what the planet ordered. I try to compensate by teaching them not to suck, literally--they're here to contribute, as we all should be.

Ask your rude, baby-happy friends what they're doing to compensate for the extra burdens they've placed on the planet, and what their kids plan to do to make the world glad they were there. Then point out the spot of puke on their shoulder, or tired shadows under their eyes, cackle maniacally, and go about your day.

Margie

Does not make you a bad person.

Next time a jerk asks you when you are going to have kids, just say 9 months from tonight. Usually that will embarass them enough to shut the hell up.

What cheeses me off is that a lot of people feel like they should be ashamed that they couldn't get pregnant or go full term. It's a sad commentary on society. It's far from a statistical certainty even when you are trying.

The whole process is an awfully big stress sandwich for couples in the US.

I'm in the same frame of mind as many of you, apparently. I have no desire to procreate, nor does my girlfriend. So many people bring the munchkins into work, and I really just don't care, and keep working while all the hens cluck about the baby.

I have 9 nieces and nephews so far, and lots of friends have kids, I can rent a kid whenever I feel like it, have fun with the kid, the kid will have a great time, and the parents will be thrilled to have a night or weekend to themselves. And with the money we won't spend, the plan is to pick up a few year old Aston Martin Vantage as soon as student loans are paid off. Win for everyone!

Another "no, you're not a bad person" from here. My wife and me don't want to have kids, partially because we're too old (mid-40s), don't have the nerve or patience plus I don't connect with kids. Dunno why, but I just don't unless they're at least in their teens. Any younger and it's a case of "give me a cat anytime, at least I know how they tick".

Not to mention that we get to play aunt & uncle already and that's more than enough.

Married 13 years and never planned on having any kids. Never seemed to get much grief from anyone about it. Ever increasing pool of nieces and nephews to play with though.