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MitchellC
MitchellC Dork
7/2/11 11:44 p.m.

An education was an investment in the collective worth of the family. When the family unit dissolves, only the diploma recipient has a financial benefit.

The reason that I am concerned is that the wife probably had no income during the time that she was a student. If this is true, she will probably get alimony and/or child support from the divorce. It sounds like all of the debt is in the OP's name. So the wife gets improved job prospects, has no debt, the kids, and child support and alimony. The husband gets the debt and the expenses, perhaps including the lawyer fees on both ends. This does not sound like a clean break. The wife was bettering herself, the husband was bettering the family.

KATYB
KATYB HalfDork
7/3/11 12:00 a.m.

like i said just split everything 5050 savings split. dept split. sell the house and if procedes are made split if not dept is split. its simple. people get greedy and screw it all up. not to mention marriage takes work and sorry but divorce to me is a cheap excuse out of it., its for life you stated that before god.

MrJoshua
MrJoshua SuperDork
7/3/11 12:04 a.m.
KATYB wrote: like i said just split everything 5050 savings split. dept split. sell the house and if procedes are made split if not dept is split. its simple. people get greedy and screw it all up. not to mention marriage takes work and sorry but divorce to me is a cheap excuse out of it., its for life you stated that before god.

The problem comes when one or both of the parties involved thinks legally(greedily) instead of morally. There are ways to protect yourself while maintaining decent morals to prevent yourself from being screwed.

JoeyM
JoeyM SuperDork
7/3/11 12:10 a.m.
Grizz wrote: Get it over with quickly, I've yet to see the whole cohabitation thing work out after divorces, or even simple old breakups.

+1

When my ex and broke up she still lived in my house for several months. It was horrible..I am glad this works for some people, but I was miserable. We didn't have kids, but I know they can make it even harder.

My friend did cohabitate before his divorce. asked him why he didn't get it over wit. He said, "You don't get it...we are still going to be dealing with each other like this because of the kid"

KATYB
KATYB HalfDork
7/3/11 12:24 a.m.

it can work. but to the op do whatever you feel comfortable with.... this is my last post in this thread because i know what my marriage has survived and cant stand hearing about divorce especially knowing what we have been through.

Trans_Maro
Trans_Maro Dork
7/3/11 12:43 a.m.

GTFO right now!

Sorry dude, she's using you to finish school.

My buddy is going through B.S. just like this right now. He just bought his ex a car even though she wants nothing to do with him and is currently boning someone who isn't him.

His excuse is "well, she still needs to see the kid and without a car she can't do that." Put her ass on the bus then!

He's one of my best friends but I swear, he's got "sucker" tattooed on his forehead right now.

Sorry man, you're being strung along like a cheap kite.

Trans_Maro
Trans_Maro Dork
7/3/11 12:46 a.m.
DILYSI Dave wrote: PIITB.

Oh, yeah, This ^

friedgreencorrado
friedgreencorrado SuperDork
7/3/11 1:12 a.m.
Trans_Maro wrote: GTFO right now! Sorry dude, she's using you to finish school.

Yup. Problem is, like MrJosh said, the divorce laws are still stuck in the past, so you're stuck with the bad end of the stick whether you go through with this, or just wait it out. Only thing I can add is that how angry you make her now (insisting upon separate financial accounts, etc.) will affect how often you have contact with the kids in the future. There's no good way out of this, unless she's really telling the truth about wanting out calmly. I haven't seen that very often..and definitely didn't see it in my own case.

Good luck, man.

93gsxturbo
93gsxturbo HalfDork
7/3/11 2:33 a.m.

Take all the money you can and put it into another account that only you have access to. Cancel all joint accounts and credit cards ASAP. Since we are going into a holiday weekend, see what you can do tomorrow, otherwise call and leave messages to cover your butt and cancel ASAP start of business on July 5.

Get yourself an apartment or crash in a friend's guest room ASAP till you can sort stuff out. Blow your joint savings on hookers and cocaine.

Basically, the lesson to take away is she will screw you over any way she can no matter what she says. She wants out, make her earn it. The gravy train just got derailed.

Sort the kids out after the fact. While it sucks that they now live in a broken home, staying with her while Mommy is getting freight trained by Jersey Shore cast-offs will just do more harm.

xd
xd Reader
7/3/11 2:52 a.m.
93gsxturbo wrote: Sort the kids out after the fact. While it sucks that they now live in a broken home, staying with her while Mommy is getting freight trained by Jersey Shore cast-offs will just do more harm.

+1

BoneYard_Racing
BoneYard_Racing Reader
7/3/11 6:52 a.m.

She wants to divorce correct? Some how the only response that comes to mind is "Ok get your clothes that I didnt pay for and get the berkeley out" try that.

SVreX
SVreX SuperDork
7/3/11 7:31 a.m.

Tough situation, and I'm really sorry you are in it.

I'm hearing you say that you are trying to be honorable and do what is right.

I am also hearing her say that she wants to break the commitment she has made.

I know you want to believe in her and in both of your ability to make this work, but if the starting point is the desire to break existing commitments, it can't end well. After that starting point, you'll lie to the kids, etc. etc.

This can only be fixed with a change of heart. When the desire to fulfill commitments is there again, the potential to succeed will exist.

I hope you have counseling and a network of friends who can support you at this time. If not, do it now. Very important.

I would suggest a separation, even if it means sleeping on a friend's couch. Too confused staying together.

Look for the healing and the reconciliation after the change of heart and the dedication to a committed relationship.

SVreX
SVreX SuperDork
7/3/11 7:32 a.m.

Regarding 50/50 splits: foolish thinking.

It only works if you think the relationship is built on things that can be summarized in a spreadsheet.

patgizz
patgizz GRM+ Memberand SuperDork
7/3/11 8:40 a.m.
SVreX wrote: Regarding 50/50 splits: foolish thinking. It only works if you think the relationship is built on things that can be summarized in a spreadsheet.

then you get into the whole odd number of children thing, which one gets cut in half to satisfy the spreadsheet, it gets messy quick.

OP, good luck but i do not think living together is an answer. this whole situation does not sound like your choice. i agree with the separation of all finances as of immediately, my wife's ex opened up a bunch of credit cards, ran them up, and defaulted on a bunch of ebay sales using her ebay and paypal accounts. hell he started opening things in her name without her knowing before they even got married.

1 do what is best for your kids. #2 do what is best for you. the kids are not stupid, they deserve to know now what is going on as it happens, not as an afterthought. too many times the kids get hurt big time because the parents think they are protecting them by keeping them in the dark. all the while the kids are smarter than that BS and figure it out, and feel betrayed by mom and dad.

personally: you want a divorce? GTFO my house now, here's gas money to get to your mom/sister/friend's house, you are not taking my kid, i'm done paying your tuition, find a job you POS.

mpolans
mpolans New Reader
7/3/11 9:44 a.m.

Consult a divorce attorney ASAP for many of the reasons others have posted above. In addition, depending on the divorce laws in your state, cohabitation might be a no-no if you want your divorce to ever be finalized.

Joint finances (bank accounts, credit cards, etc) is an exceptionally stupid idea if you are getting divorced, regardless whether you decide to continue co-habitating (also a bad idea). You really need to divvy up the money and debts ASAP...if y'all can't even do that amicably now, there's no point in thinking anything else will be done amicably either.

Jeff
Jeff Dork
7/3/11 10:19 a.m.

I ended a 15 year marriage about a year and a half ago. We worked out all the details ourselves and I did live in the house for about 3 months post decision. We picked a split date that our finances would be separated. We kept it civil and so far it has remained that way. We have joint custody of the kids, though they live with her right now and I see them at least monthly (we are now 1500KM apart).

You can make a cohabitation work, but you need to get everything in writing up front and you need to consult a lawyer. We did our own divorce settlement and used lawyers only to review documents and make sure we were doing things legally.

As a side note, when we split up I was a wreck. But after a short while, I realized that I was not happy and had never really been happy in the relationship. I started getting my life back and doing the things I needed to do. About a month after moving out I met a wonderful women. We've been together for 8 months now and it is the best relationship I have ever been in.

It sucks now, but it will get better.

JThw8
JThw8 SuperDork
7/3/11 1:04 p.m.

All other things aside check the divorce laws in your state. NJ used to require a 12-18 month separation period before you could get a divorce (on the grounds of irreconcilable differences) and that period was not counted if you still co-habitated. They recently changed it but its good to be sure of your options.

As for the rest of it, I honestly wouldn't do it, but that is really a decision you have to make for yourself, you know the particulars of your life and relationship with her better than we can ever understand.

griffin729
griffin729 HalfDork
7/3/11 1:51 p.m.

I've seen it go both good and bad with friends of mine that have cohabited after divorce. It really does depend on your situation. Yes it can go badly. Those that I have seen that went bad were really ugly. Those that went well were pretty smooth.

I would say if possible start sleeping in separate rooms. Sharing a bed while transitioning from married couple to friends and roommates can cause unneeded friction. That extra friction could make what would have been a clean break with everyone staying close friends into an ugly knock down drag out. I'm not saying it will happen. Basically if you both are open and honest and don't try to screw the other over things have a much better chance of going smoothly. If things do start to go badly then GTFO. I just know things do not have to go badly. Good luck.

stroker
stroker HalfDork
7/3/11 3:12 p.m.

Jeebus, what a mess. After reading all the different points of view, I'll through in my $.02.

There are levels to this, emotional, legal, parental, etc. No one answer is going to suit all the different levels, but all those levels and points of view are valid--you have to decide which is most important.

I'm once divorced (7 years) and twice married, this time with two little girls of our own (3 and 1). My first thought would be what's best for the kids. If #2 told me she was outta here, then I do whatever's necessary to protect the girls across those levels (emotionally, legally, etc.). Second, I do what's best for me as she's the one pulling the EJECT lever. Third, we do what's best for her (same reason). The notion that you're going to let her finish school so she can springboard somewhere else seems silly to me. She gets points for honesty and not waiting until she's done with school THEN bailing out, but she's still the one bailing out (insert Sam Kinison riff here).

I won't make a prediction as to what's going on between the lines, but something definitely doesn't sound right about the situation and the others are right--you have the potential to get Royally Screwed here. Protect the kids, protect yourself then do what you can to help her into the rest of her life.

Curmudgeon
Curmudgeon SuperDork
7/3/11 3:15 p.m.

It might be 'amicable' now but if either of you shows up with a new SO a LOT of emotions will come flooding in. If it's her and you strike out at her in a moment of rage, you are SCREWED. Do NOT put yourself in that position. Do NOT leave yourself open to a royal shafting.

In short:

GTFO. NOW. As in NOW NOW.

Guard all your finances NOW. Send the kids to Grandma's or similar NOW. Screw the lease on the house. What are they going to do, wreck your credit?

See a divorce lawyer Tuesday July 5 2011 as soon as is practical in the morning.

Once all that is done, THEN talk to her about remaining friends. But do NOT cohabitate. That way lies a very strong possibility of dragons and madness.

triumph5
triumph5 Dork
7/3/11 6:49 p.m.

Like it or not, this will turn ugly. Proof? Wait until the holidays. Talk to the landlord, if you've been good tennants, paid on time, he/she might be understanding, and would RATHER have you two out, seeing how things could get really messy. Get out NOW. Do not wait, do not hope, she has made up her mind. Move on. It's hard. Really sorry to hear about it. Got out after a long cohabitation, things just fell apart; she didn't want to marry again... Anyway, get out. Get out NOW. Be nice to each other, but realize that will eventually end---especially if one of you THINKS the other is seeing someone else. Happens to people who are already divorced;

If you're landlord is at all reasonable, you should be able to work something out. Go find a tennant to you replace you!! Anything, but, get out. If you stay, you'll be miserable in a year--if it lasts that long.

You CAN NOT fool the kids that all is well. Staying together--sort of--for the sake of the kids is stupid. They probably already know she wants out.

Curmudgeon
Curmudgeon SuperDork
7/3/11 7:54 p.m.

triumph5 speaks truth. Kids KNOW. My daughter once asked me why we stayed together since we were not happy. I didn't think it was that obvious.

MitchellC
MitchellC Dork
7/3/11 9:02 p.m.

Yes, it is obvious. I experienced it as a teenager. There's no use putting off the inevitable; everything will change; the family unit will be torn apart and recreated no matter what. It's better to start the rebuilding earlier rather than later.

JoeyM
JoeyM SuperDork
7/3/11 9:10 p.m.
MitchellC wrote: Yes, it is obvious. I experienced it as a teenager. There's no use putting off the inevitable; everything will change; the family unit will be torn apart and recreated no matter what. It's better to start the rebuilding earlier rather than later.

...and less time for negative emotions to fester and then come to the surface

neon4891
neon4891 SuperDork
7/3/11 11:21 p.m.

Good luck. Having never been divorced the only advice I have is listen to the guys who have been thru it.

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