Employer Sending Funeral Condolences?

My mother-in-law passed away last week after the long goodbye of Alzheimers' Disease. We're sad, but most of the sadness was spread over the last seven years watching her drift away, and we're glad that's over.

My employer is required by our union to grant four days bereavement, but my wife's employer and my brother-in-law's employer both sent nice flower arrangements with kind words. My employer did nothing except make me want to apologize for them being inconvenienced by my mother-in-law's death.

How common is it for employers to demonstrate kindness in these situations, and how common is the way my employer did things?

When my grandfather died I had no issues getting time off to go to the service, but none of my supervisors or managers did anything but give me a half-assed "sorry for your loss".

I'd assume the majority of places would be similar.

I'd guess it's usually not the 'company' but rather the actual manager or coworkers who send something. Meaning a company doesn't always have a single policy either way.

I have tried to make sure something is sent on behalf of my coworkers and I in the few cases this has happened to someone I work with, but it has come out of my pocket before and i have had an employer reimburse me before.

I guess long story short is it is about as common as other people would do it by themselves, company or not. Also, it is amazing how fast these things come up and go by, even though it might not seem that way. good people miss it sometimes.

Can't speak to the union side, but I know that the side I work on will send flowers for hospitalizations, births, or funerals if the employee's manager (or anyone really) lets the admin know. One of my guys was in for literal brain surgery last year, so a quick email was all it took to have the company send flowers to his room. I do know that the bargained side is much more regimented, though, so there may be different rules in place for all I know.

If the company didn't do that, though, I'd give my other employees an opportunity to contribute and I'd take care of having something sent. In fact, last year we had the company send flowers for a birth and we then passed the hat to send a giant package of baby clothes and stuff.

As far as what to say or how to relate to a death, I'm always at a loss, too. Usually it's a sorry for your loss, let me know if there's anything we can do, take whatever time you need.

An employer isn't obligated to do anything, but it's nice when they do. I had only been at my current job for a month or so when my mother died, and they sent some nice flowers.

In reply to Datsun1500:

It was my wife's sister's husband's employer that sent flowers, which I thought was a real act of class.

As for four days being excessive, only if I wanted to send my wife by herself to plan the funeral, attend the visitation the next day, or the nursing home service the following day, or the actual funeral the fourth day. Choose two or three? No. My employer can go someplace warm if they think I should be at work any of those days.

I'm not talking about employers being obligated or required to do nice things. Then such gestures become meaningless. I'm wondering what's customary.

My employer gives 3 days for immediate family. When my Mother died I only took 2 days as I had a lot of work to catch up on and in her circumstance she died on 12/29 and the service was on 1/3 so after sitting around for 5 days waiting for the service to start I was exhausted and wanted to get back to my routine. I didn't need another day off.

I hadn't been at my current company for even 90 days when my soon to be ex-wife father passed in a house fire.

Hey gave my 3 days and said if you need more we are completely ok with that you just won't get paid. They also sent a nice set of flowers to the service.

Some places suck to work for, some don't.

When I was a young punk my father was working for a major car dealer in the area. My grandfather died and a note on the door said there was an arrangement delivered next door. Assuming it would be a small arrangement my mother sent me to get it. As it turned out, my father's employer sent peace lilies that were approximately my weight. I picked the big ass plant up and wabbled back home. A few years ago the plant was divvied up between some of my family members. It has been 15 years and I still have a living peace lily in my kitchen.

Back then my dad was working for a good guy who was sure to show his employees he cared. Since that time, he has died and his sons have taken over his many dealerships. Not long after my father was laid off for cheaper, less experience employees. Meh. E36 M3 happens.

Post-somewhat-unnecessarily-long-partially-relevant-story, when an employer wants to act like they care, they will send condolences. Your employer just don't give a E36 M3.

Depends. I cared about my job, management didn't give a E36 M3. I stopped caring about said job, management didn't give a E36 M3.

It depends on the people in charge. Where I worked we would send flowers, bereavement leave was 3 or 4 days (I forget which)with pay. Occasionally the bereavement was sticky because someone would lose an honorary aunt, or some such and that wasn't covered by the contract. Informally ,people were given a few days without pay in those instances. I used to sign 60 -70 birthday cards every month. We did all kinds of stuff like that, but that was before the recession and I understand all the "optional" stuff is gone now.

Clarty wrote: My mother-in-law passed away last week after the long goodbye of Alzheimers' Disease. We're sad, but most of the sadness was spread over the last seven years watching her drift away, and we're glad that's over. My employer is required by our union to grant four days bereavement, but my wife's employer and my brother-in-law's employer both sent nice flower arrangements with kind words. My employer did nothing except make me want to apologize for them being inconvenienced by my mother-in-law's death. How common is it for employers to demonstrate kindness in these situations, and how common is the way my employer did things?

my supervisor (shiny happy person that he is) and my group leader both came to the internment ….

plus a couple of higher ups in the company

my department always took up money for flowers or whatever (cash in envelop to help out with expenses) .. did this for a whole host of catastrophes

I have seen some companies do some crappy things. I think the worst was a friend of mine who's grandmother died. She lived with him for ten years, and when he requested time off for the funeral, it was denied because she was not "immediate family"..

he got time off anyway, he quit over that

The only thing I got when my step mom passed away was a couple of days without pay.

What do you want, them to kiss your boo-boo and make it better?

You don't give a crap about them- you'd rather they go to hell then request your help. Why would you want flowers from someone who you don't give a crap about?

I'd rather the awkward "Sorry for your loss" any day. At least someone is trying.

Sending flowers can be an automated machine.

My company only does things when certain people know about it. If the owner knows, he tells HR and cards and flowers are sent. If the office of ladies finds out, you get showered with really good food.

Their policy on time off is "do what you need to do." When my grandmother passed, somehow nobody in the office other that my boss knew until I was back. I took 3 or 4 days and nobody said anything.

All of this said, my company is making a real effort lately to take a human side to life outside of the office. After 20 years of trying to be a big company, they have realized that everyone gets along better if they are treated like real people. So maybe the company reaction has more to do with how the situation is presented to them. Keep things secret, and it can be a "hassle"; let people you work with know about your life and they all understand and try to help.

My $0.02

I've had two employees who've parents have passed away in the past month. For the first, we took a collection and I purchased an edible arrangement on behalf of the team. For the second, he expressly told me he didn't want any fuss from work, so I won't say anything to the team, and will let him tell people if/when he's ready. Since he's a good friend, I do intend to attend the wake.

In both cases, I've expressed to them to take whatever time they need, and not to think about work until they're done dealing with everything else and want to. For some, it helps to get back to work quickly and be busy, and for others, time away is best. I let them make their own decisions in that regard.

Each employer is different, but I've found that how you treat people when they're going through a rough patch is especially important. My rule is that I try to treat others how I want to be treated.

When I was teaching there were set rules on bereavement leave (5 days - immediate family, 3 days - in-laws). Any flowers, etc. were up to the faculty.

When my father died in 1969 I had just transferred to a new school and had only been there for two days and didn't even know all the teacher's names yet. I called the principal at home that evening to let him know and confirmed the 5 days of leave.

When I arrived at the funeral home (300 miles away) the next day I was astounded to find a very large flower arrangement from the faculty already there. I found out later that it took the teacher who was in charge of that a couple hours of phone calls just to find where the funeral was and arrange the flowers.

The only time it was questionable was when my wife's aunt (not covered under leave policy) died. I went to tell the principal (who knew some of the wife's family) that I was going to take a couple of sick days to attend the viewing and funeral. His reply was "No, YOUR aunt died. See you on Friday."

Datsun1500 wrote: Based on posts in this thread, he see his employers as "just a paycheck" so what would you expect?

Now, now. That's not how it is at all. I love my coworkers, and as individuals, management is pretty OK too. Although I was able to "find employment outside my field of study," I like my job. It's a nice enough job for a liberal-arts guy with no marketable skills, but it's not a significant job in any eternal sense.

However, when I'm asked to choose where my allegiance lies, my family will win every time--resoundingly.

I'm married to my wife, not my job. There's no way my employer could persuade me to send her alone to any part of her mother's funeral. Is that so wrong?

SVreX wrote: What do you want, them to kiss your boo-boo and make it better? You don't give a crap about them- you'd rather they go to hell then request your help. Why would you want flowers from someone who you don't give a crap about?

Wow, you're insightful AND kind, but in error about the intent of my inquiry.

If you were to review what I wrote, you'd find what I said is my employer could visit the southeastern states if they thought I would be sending my wife alone to any part of her mother's funeral. What sort of husband would do that? It was meant as (and it is) an expression of support for my wife, not primarily as a disparagement of my employer.

Let me reiterate that I was wondering what is customary for employers to do, as I was impressed that my wife's sister's husband's employer sent flowers, and wondered if that's normal or extraordinarily kind.

Umm... OK, but you edited out the line I wrote which answered your question.

"Normal" varies. As I noted, I got nothing, including no paid time off.

Some companies (like yours), apparently pay 4 days off.

Some companies (like your BiL's) send flowers. That's a lot cheaper than 4 days off.

Some companies tell you to take as much time as you need.

I didn't suggest you make your wife manage the funeral arrangements alone. I noted that your employer was paying you for the time, while many of us choose to do these kinds of things for our spouses on our own nickel.

I think it is pretty clear by the responses you got that you implied you thought your employer should do more.

When my grandfather passed away, my manager offered condolences and time off no questions asked, and took care of all of the bereavement pay paperwork.

When one of my team members lost his father, the least I could do was offer the same flexibility. I made sure that flowers were sent over as well.

The way that employers and coworkers react to loss says a lot about the humanity within a company.

I was in a semi-crappy retail gig when my Dad died in 2001 (retail has gone WAY down the tubes since then, so this would probably be very uncommon now). I don't remember specifically, but I know I was basically told "take as long as you need" and I think I got 3 days bereavement, used 2 vacation days and came back after a week because I was going nuts sitting home.

Some co-workers sent flowers and someone from regional management with whom I was friendly came to the funeral.

I had to put bereavement on my time card twice in 2014. Both times I took less than allowed, and then supplemented it with vacation time. My company and coworkers were enormously supportive, flowers being the least of their efforts.

I work for a family business and they treat me like family. That's hard to pull off when you have 600 employees, but they find a way.

My father passed away back in January a week before my birthday. I work the odd ball shift that no one else works at all. I let my boss and co workers know what was up and that I had to go to Portland before he died. I could have left that second if I wanted even though it meant someone else would be working a double shift. They gave me a week off then and another few days last week for his actual funeral at the veteran's memorial cemetery in Portland. Basically if I needed the time they let me have it and then some. They also have been asking how I am and stuff.

When my boy was born they sent flowers up to the hospital.