Lousy weekend

Well I left town Friday night to go work on a field project for school. About 1 in the morning we get a call saying my grandpa was in the hospital after collapsing twice. Then by the next morning my grandma is in the hospital with extreme pain in her legs.

I spent all day today at the hospital trying to figure out what was going on with them and playing ref trying to keep the peace between both of them and my mom and aunt. My mom and aunt are pissed off because I'm basically the only one my grandparents will listen to and they flat out said I'm the boss and what I said goes. Not exactly a position I want to be in but I can at least make things easier for them by playing the role.

Doctor said that they are to longer drive at all, so I will be selling one of the cars and keeping the other to drive them around when needed (they can't get in my truck) and have something with better mileage. Doctor also said there is no way they can live on their own anymore so we have to look at assisted living. However my grandmother has gotten even worse and can't walk or even stand at this point, we are thinking its just a matter of time at this point. Grandpas heart is only pumping at about 30% and he is not sure about doing any surgery at this point. So again seems like just a matter of time.

Mom and aunt are driving me nuts, both are mad they only listen to me. Also they are not happy that I basically get everything (house etc) even though they both get a wad of cash. Gotta love family getting torn up over money garbage when people are on their freakin deathbeds. On the plus side my uncle (aunts husband) agrees with me and is telling them both to chill.

Sorry just had to rant a bit.

I hope the best for you . We have just went through something similar with my wifes father who had alzheimers for 10yrs. Absolutely amazing what people who are supposed to be family will do to eachother in times like these. We will keep you in our thoughts..

Oh man, sorry to hear that. Good luck dealing with the family, at times of this it can be a major pain in the backside.

Feel free to rant here, blowing off a little steam is always good. Good luck.

I'll say a prayer tonight. Good luck dealing with the family. It drives my mom nuts that anything she says is wrong in the ears of my great Aunt who never married or had kids, mom is her closest living relative. Anytime anything has to happen, its my dad, my older brother, or me that has to say it. Even though my mom has been an intensive care nurse.

Recently went through a similar family adventure. Wife's older sister passed, her husbands kids were lined up to go through her stuff.

Good luck to you, man. It sounds like you are doing your best for your grans. We appreciate it on your behalf, even if nobody else does.

Thanks all, its just driving me nuts on top of dealing with my dad being in foster care for sever dementia and school.

I go talk to their lawyer this morning. Last night I went to their house and gathered up all of the important paperwork including CD certificates and money market account check book. Everything is now sitting in a lock box that I have the key to (and there is only one key). When I talked to the lawyer on the phone they had been in last week to make me the executor on their wills etc.

What gets to me is if I can manage to get my mom and aunt out of the room my grand parents become much more relaxed and less agitated. I'm then able to talk to them and get them to actually understand the situation and whats going on. As soon as my mom and aunt come back in they get frustrated with them (both grans have bad hearing) because they will talk at the same time and it just upsets my grandparents further and they don't understand things. Ugh.

Well guess its time for me to get up and get into the battle again.

cwh wrote: Recently went through a similar family adventure. Wife's older sister passed, her husbands kids were lined up to go through her stuff.

Refering to these clusterfarks as adventures is indeed charitable on your part. It is truly unreal the way people's greed takes over in times when families should pull together. It's heart-wrenching for certain.

Best of luck manuvering through this family feud. At some point you may be compelled to run over a few cones instead of driving around them. Hopefully your gram's wisdom in selecting you as mediator will pay off in a resolution forged soon. Lord knows it won't be easy.

My heart goes out to you. Been there.

Rant away, we'll listen and help get it off your chest.

When my dad passed, things went smooth with us because my mom got everything (as she should) and she picked what was possed on to us kids, no arguements. Moms already said it won't be as easy when she goes. Mom's already planned things so we won't have to go through what she did with dad. My next younger sister (the middle child of 3) has already stated dislike for the arrangements. Traditionally, the oldest (me and the only son) usually gets stuck with the arrangements but since I live the fartherest away. I'm in AL, mom's in SoCal, next sister in NorCal and youngest sister next town over from mom in Socal. My youngest sister got stuck with it because she is closest and is also a nurse. Made since to me, I didn't argue and will help her with whatever needs to be done. Other sister thinks she is the most responsible and therefore should have the duties. Not looking forward to that when the time comes.

Good luck, sound like you'll do what is right for your gran's.

Sometimes, what might seem like fueds over money are actually based in conflicts & resentments people have carried around since they left the womb. Maybe the tragedy of the looming loss of a parent kicks folks back into their selfish, infantile persona as a defense mechanism? They need another swift kick to remind them the absolute last thing the soon to be departed want to see is their loved ones fighting. If you have it in you to try to be the voice of reason, do so. Of course, they'll probably say the "favorite" has no business telling them how to act. Tell them go berkeley themselves & let the grands' last moments be peacful. I wish I had said that when mine were passing. It couldn't have made things any worse than they are now, 6 years later and people still don't talk to each other.

I'm terribly sorry to hear of the clusterberkely that you're immersed in.

My suggestion is as follows:

Take a deep breath, close your eyes, let it out, repeat until your blood pressure returns to a more normal state.

Now, tell your Mom and Aunt very firmly but without excessive volume to either be quiet or leave the room. If they won't do either, remove them, ask the nursing staff and/or the doctor to leave the room.

Once they leave, follow them out and clearly, calmly explain to them what they are doing and how it impacts their parent's health. If they cannot be respectful of their parent's wishes and yours as executor of their estate, they are welcome to leave the hospital or to wait outside, but they are not welcome inside the room.

They are not helping their parents health. Its hard, but its obvious why your grandparents chose you to take care of their needs. You obviously know what it right for them, its tough, but do your best to make it right.

God speed man, we're here for ya.

Turboswede has it nailed. It is terrible to go through this, but family is as family does. We have one coming, but don't know when. Wife's aunt is a classic hoarder. Will not let anyone in the house, thinks the Government is after her and will steal her possesions. Among other things, she has several genuine Tiffany art glass works and a Model T in her garage. Electricity and water have been shut off, but she will not accept any help from anyone. She gets pension and Social Security, but will not use it. Sounds like a bad TV show, but it is real. She had a plumbing problem a few years ago, I fixed it from outside, she would not let me inside to take a leak. Much more to this story.

my heart goes out to you, my Dad pasted away this fall, Mom is still on top of things, so there hasn't been any problems.... maybe I'm smoking something everyone else would like, but when Mom goes I really don't think there will be much fighting about who gets what. All my brothers and sister know I want the house and land and they can have the money... at least at this pt no one is acting po'ed .... I can't imagine what you must be going through... my thoughts and prayers are with you

You sir are a hero to your grands. Do the right thing by them, make them as comfortable as you can during their waning days and you will come out ahead in life. Carma is a biotch and those that conspire to take advantage of elders will get theirs in the end. God speed and god bless.

Thanks again all. Today was a bit better and I did manage to spend some time with the girlfriend and that helped me as well.

Today basically went like this. Got up, met with lawyer at 9, went to Spanish class at 10, at 11 went to the bank to collect financial records then ran to Wally World to get some things, at 1 went to Geology class at 2 picked up Uhaul then went to their place and gathered up some of their things to take to the assisted living home (beds, TV, sheets, clothes etc). Grandpa arrived at about 4, Grandma is still not released. Spent about 2 hours getting him all settled in and comfortable. He was a bit confused with all the changes and all but started settling him in. Managed to come home around 6:30 tonight.

Prayers and good mojo heading your way (in order of importance ) I wasn't out of my teens by the time all my grandparents passed. Mom's dad soon after I was born. I was old enough to be there for my other three. Also lost my uncle shortly after. It isn't easy, and family garbage makes it that much harder. With one particular grandparent, we had similar issues. I hope you end up in a situation better than ours.

best wishes