Oh it is so much worse

Ooof, tough situation. 

I'd probably attack it like this: 

• Make sure she's on  birth control. This is the absolute first step. 
• Sit down with her, and ask her questions. Don't put your opinion in any of them, try really hard not to sound accusatory. 
  • Ask why she was sneaking around.
  • Then ask why she thinks that you wouldn't like him.
  • Then ask why she thinks you think you wouldn't like him.
  • Ask if she thinks that he's a good person who will love her and support her.
  • Ask why  she's different from baby mammas one and two. 
  • Ask how she would feel, and what she would do if he ends up back in prison. When she says "but he's changed", ask why she thinks that, and ask what would happen if he was a victim again and ended up back in prison
• Watch closely for any signs of abuse. Watch extremely closely for anything that would possibly violate his parole, and get friendly with Mr. Parole officer. There likely has already been a parole violation. 
• Optional, but I like to look at financials. Show her the life that she can expect with him. Assume that she doesn't graduate college, and assume that both of them are working minimum wage or similar jobs. Then show her how much will be left after his alimony and child support checks. And make sure she knows that those child support checks are the absolute first priority for HER and her bad-boy if they end up together. You've heard of child support and how lousy it can be, right Jeremy? Ask her if she likes the idea of living in a trailer park, and be honest with her--that this is what she is signing up for because they won't be able to afford anything else.

Edit: The reason that last step is optional is because that one is giving advice. The first 3 are not. #1, you shouldn't have issue with. #2, you're making her state HER opinions. You're not stating yours. Just keep asking why. Tell her you want to learn what she sees in him so you can see the same. Hopefully she talks herself into "holy E36 M3, this dude is a loser". #3 is completly passive and just observing. the 4th, that is where you'll get pushback and rebellion. So tread carefully.

SVreX said:

I learned something about Mrs SVreX today...

She admitted she went out with “Bad Boys” when she was young. She was a straight A student, blah, blah, blah... They were losers.  

She said the point (for her) was to go out with someone who did all the things her parents told her not to do. 

This was in the 70’s. It’s not a new thing. 

 

In some ways, that was my mother and father. Not that my father is really a "bad boy", but he is a classic "lost puppy" type and not who my Quaker/engineer grandfather would approve of. My grandfather generally hated him for the 17 years they were together.  This was the 60's. So yeah - not a new thing.

It sounds like this calls for implantable birth control (Nexplanon) and condom use for STDs.

I'd also review the dangers of drugs.

In reply to mtn :

That last part isn't really giving advice. It's stating facts. Child support is real, and it will have an impact on the life she'd have with him. 

Wait- this dude is married?

That sounds like it can blow up pretty badly. That, or his wife is complicit or victimized n some way.

RealMiniNoMore said:

In reply to mtn :

That last part isn't really giving advice. It's stating facts. Child support is real, and it will have an impact on the life she'd have with him. 

Splitting hairs for an 18 year old.

Brett_Murphy said:

Wait- this dude is married?

I suspect what this really means is the dude is not formally divorced given that divorce costs real money. 

In reply to John Welsh :

Doesn’t matter. He still has legal obligations. 

The birth control advice is true, but not practical. 

She's 18. You certainly can’t make her get birth control. 

Sorry to hear this , it happens too much , 

Is he paying child support on his other kids ?  If not is that a parole violation ?

Hate to say it , but make sure she graduates HS , since it's only a month away 

You are not going to change her mind ,  maybe her friends can , but you are the enemy to "true love"

Go see a counselor , by yourself or with your wife at first ,  then you can work out a plan ,  or just not make it worse so your daughter runs away and never talks to you again....

  Whatever happens you need to make it your daughters choice to dump him , she is 18  ,  

Good luck 

SVreX said:

The birth control advice is true, but not practical. 

She's 18. You certainly can’t make her get birth control. 

Yup... she's 18. She knows where babies come from. She knows about birth control. Up to her now.

About the only advice you can give her is contact information for health department where she can get free or low-cost birth control. Other than that you're wasting your breath

Although, it might be a useful tool for her...

If she cares about STDs, maybe she could insist he get tested before she is willing to let him touch her. 

He’s a super high risk for STDs. 

If he loves her and cares about her, he would do this for her. 

(He doesn’t, and he won’t)

KyAllroad (Jeremy) said:

out of prison for 4 months where he served 27 months for trafficking.  

I hope for your stepdaughter's sake it was just drugs and not humans.  Some of the things you described (the FB friend breakdown and general appearance) made my mind go to really dark possibilities.  This guy needs an income and your description makes it clear he will not be working a minimum wage job.  He sounds committed to entrepreneurism.   

Stuff like this makes me so sad, and worry for those close to me. I really hope she comes to her senses. 

Here's a thought:  DO NOTHING.

Hear me out.  She's known him for 2 1/2 months.  She knows you don't approve.  Other than "You're 18 and an adult.  Just go into it with your eyes open.  We're here if you need us."

And sit back and see what unfolds.  She'll likely figure it out.

All this hand wringing in her presence fits right into the script of her passion play.

I think Ovid’s got it. 

SVreX said:

Although, it might be a useful tool for her...

If she cares about STDs, maybe she could insist he get tested before she is willing to let him touch her. 

He’s a super high risk for STDs. 

If he loves her and cares about her, he would do this for her. 

(He doesn’t, and he won’t)

Yeah, this was gonna be tonights discussion.  We aren't telling her what to do by any means and we are keeping the house a safe space where she doesn't feel attacked.  However we are also helping her think of the things she may not have considered.  STDs and child support are high on the list.  Pimping some of his "friends" is a possibility I hadn't thought of yet but it's now on the table.

I get the "do nothing and wait" theory.  Unfortunately the things that this guy can leave her with could be life altering.

In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) :

Shes a bright attractive 18 yo.  She hasnt turned up preggers yet.  My guess is she's taking at least some precautions.  What in God's name makes you think she hasn't been sexually active before meeting this guy...no offense just being real.

18 is a little late to be discussing bc for the first time to be honest.

In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) :

I've got 28 years in at the prosecutor's office, the last 9 in paternity establishment and child support, the 10 in the criminal division and 9 in the unit that does abuse and neglect cases.  I know the "dirt bag's handbook" probably as well as anyone.  If there's anything I can do to help you prep for the conversation you're going to need to have, PM me.  Happy to exchange emails or a phone call.  If it helps, I'll even talk with her if you want me to. 

Unfortunately, I'm of little help in understanding how to talk to a teenage girl.  For that, I would contact your local domestic violence shelter and ask to speak with one of their counselors.  They're going to see the warning signs here and may have insight as to how to break through to your step daughter.  They can also give you help as to when/how to intervene when (yes, I said, and meant, when) this situation turns abusive. 

So, I've lived through this on two very distinct occasions. Both with close female friends.

Situation one- girl meets guy when she goes to get her first tattoo when she is freshly 18. Guy...tattoo artist. Knew he was a scumbag when I learned he "signed " all his tattoos a particular way. She starts messing around with him, doing what adults do, etc. Finds out hes been cheating, bails. Shes happily married with a cute little girl and a husband that seems cool. She just got back from some exotic vacation. 

Her parents the whole time were supportive of her making her own choices. Made sure she knew safe courses of action, etc. There was no cage rattling, no threats, no nothing. Jist a you do you, ask us if you feel unsafe, and take care of you first. 

Second. Meets boy in the military. Boy is "getting divorced". Says all the right things. She ends up signing his divorce documents for him roughly 9 months pregnant and dishonorably discharged from basic after he told her she should just not go back. He turned out to be an abusive manipulator,  a drug addict, and an all around Florida man. It took her 15 years to figure out that she was better than that. Fortunately she was smart got a job at Disney and worked her ass off. She'll graduate college in January. 

Her parents were...less supportive. They had too much of their own lives going on with the drugs and the prison and the near death motorcycle accidents. Her mom at one point made her choose between her family and her boyfriend (weren't married at the time,  she was freshly pregnant, etc). She chose the bf. 

Both cases shared a lot of common traits. Both blindingly smart, attractive women that didnt feel like they were enough. Both were looking to get out of whatever it was they felt like they needed to escape. (Coincidentally,  both were from adjacent Ruralish towns in Minnesota) both met dudes with an extremely strong game that knew how to say the right E36 M3 to get what they wanted. Both knew at some point that there was something wrong. Where they diverge is- one had support. One did not.

I cant begin to think what goes on in a young womans head. I quite frankly do not want to. Its scary. However, I do know that when you're that age and coming up on a whole lot of life changes, its berkeleyin scary. You're looking for some sort of control of your actions,  and your personality. What a lot of these types of dudes offer is that illusion of adulthood. My experience is it only exists to serve their needs and she will continue to be relevant to him for as long as he wants. 

The E36 M3 part is, all you can do is be there for her. Shes clearly very intelligent. give her all the tools you can so that she can make informed, non passion based decisions. 

In reply to Ovid_and_Flem :

Oh, we've had the discussions.  She knows how things work and we've tried one form of BC (pills caused a bad reaction) already and are in the process of getting her back to the gyno for a change of prescription.  And yes, she knows that even with a pill a condom is required. 

The discussion this evening is gonna be much more STD centered.

So, I asked swmbo. 

Her take was, she was missing something. Confidence, self worth, etc. She basically echoed what I said, be as supportive as you can without making the guy an issue. 

Does any of this tie back to the many late nights of work?  Along with the SIL and BIL confrontation that seemed out of nowhere?  

Could it be that the late nights were not work and the SIL/BIL were therefore not supportive of the "too much work" since it was not really time at work?  

SVreX said:

I learned something about Mrs SVreX today...

She admitted she went out with “Bad Boys” when she was young. She was a straight A student, blah, blah, blah... They were losers.  

She said the point (for her) was to go out with someone who did all the things her parents told her not to do. 

This was in the 70’s. It’s not a new thing. 

But it WAS a new conversation to ME. 33 years of marriage... funny how you learn new stuff about people!  (Wondering if I should get my “thug” on to be more appealing to her!!) 

My wife could have been this girl. Both my wife and my daughter have sat Dear dad down and explained that as much as women will never realize how simple men are, men will never realize that women want bad boys, big stallions if they are into horses and birds with broken wings. Sounds like this girl has found the total package in one person.

SVreX said:

,,,,She said the point (for her) was to go out with someone who did all the things her parents told her not to do....

I think this is a VERY important point to consider when "dealing" with her.

(there might be some questions you can ask her that would help determine if this is an aspect, but I don't know what those would be)