The Big D is hitting hard....

nothing but cold, grey days. While I love my job, we have some absolutely worthless dept's that I am forced to interact with. People in general are just getting worse with their pettiness and self-centered actions. Add that all together, and the the Big D hits harder than normal for me. Depression. It berkeleying sucks. 

To make matters worse, I blew off my parents last night so now I have guilt hitting to compound the issue. *Sigh*.... just venting. I know there are others here dealing with the same things, and I know that there are millions of people with E36 M3ty lives that should make me appreciate what I have etc, but infortunately that doesn't seem to help. So I'll make sure to stay on the meds, try to remember to reach out to friends and family and keep the wife in the loop on my pity party. 

Sorry for the pathetic rant. I find putting these emotions/feelings into words sometimes helps me and if it helps you, please post here. Even though it feels like you're locked in a world of your own, we're not. Not sure of the purpose here... but I know this place well enough that we'll find a good use here. 

bobzilla said:

I know that there are millions of people with E36 M3ty lives that should make me appreciate what I have etc

That has literally nothing to do with it.  In a completely rational, intellectual way, maybe, but emotionally it's irrelevant.  You feel what you feel.

Vent away, and we're here to listen and help how we can.  This can be a crappy time of year.

I've had my fun dealing with it this past few years. The crushing weight of things that are just barely under control. And things barely out of control. I dont have answers. I'm in the same boat. Just know that if we have to, I'll ride this motherberkeleyer to the end and over the falls with you.

I think the "barely under control" is what wears me down the most. I know I CAN handle it... but damn.

In reply to bobzilla :

I felt the same way. Every. Single. Winter/holiday season. For me it was a combination of factors: lack of daylight hours, cold, not being a holiday person, and year-end(the only way I can describe it is I think the end of the year makes me feel the way most people feel about their birthday & getting a year older). 

Moving south has absolutely helped me. Right now we have about 50 more minutes of daylight than our place in IL has right now. Of course we have an hour less daylight during the peak of summer, but that’s a relief down here! With it being in the high-60’s/low-70’s last week I had to remind myself it was thanksgiving. Plus there’s definitely a more relaxed attitude in general down here. 

In reply to Pete Gossett :

End of year and my birthday are only 27 days apart so yeah.... I get that. This year has been harder because we didn't get my favorite season, fall. It went from summer to early winter overnight here. Truck still isn't running, which makes me angry but I don't have the mental motivation to keep at it right now. I just find it hard to even get out of bed right now. 

Saturday we booked our airfare for Hong Kong next summer and solidified our dates etc. But that euphoria lasted all of about an hour and then back to the same old grind. 

This thread is not about Detroit? 

In reply to John Welsh :

Dude... I don't need to feel MORE depressed!

We must work in the same place!

Cheer up cause it only gets worse with age,and contrary to what you think, impending retirement adds rather reduces the feeling!

I find that eliminating all of the Hallmark Holidays from my lifestyle has helped a lot.

Pete

John Welsh said:

This thread is not about Detroit? 

 

I thought the big d was December.

I have realized that the older I get (turn 43 in under a week) the less I like people. I don't mean individuals/friends/family etc. I mean people as a whole. I have sense determined that it is literally impossible for me to be racist/sexist because A.) I'd have to give a E36 M3 about it ( I don't ) and 2. ) I already hate all people equally. No... wait, that is incorrect. I hold a special place in hell for politicians and telemarketers. 

EDIT: I have found that In This Moment blasting in my ear with the other plugged is helping my mood moderately. 

In reply to bobzilla :

A friend of mine who suffers (as I do,) told me something years ago that I have to remind myself of: It WANTS you to be there. (The depression.) May sound silly, but it rang true to me.

In those really dark times, I have to remind myself that it wants me to be in that place, and I have to actively do things to fight it; Not feeding it with alcohol, or malaise, or solitude. Try to get out and do *something* to fight it, even if that’s just taking a long drive to a “happy place.”

Also, reminding myself to be THANKFUL for all the blessings I have helps...like DAILY.

I have family. I have friends. I have a job, and a car, a roof over my head, HVAC, and I’m not starving. A lot of people can’t say that.

And the depression/anxiety can’t “have” any of that. All it can have is control of my mind, if I let it.

Oh, and a good shrink. I don’t see him as often as I should, but I know if I talk to him, I’ll feel 1000X better afterward.

It's been several years since I saw the shrink. I've been mostly well regulated and decent. There are always moments but damn... this year its hit me harder than normal. 

Dude, I know exactly where you're coming from. It doesn't make sense, I have everything a person could hope for right? But still the overwhelmed feelings roll in and you can't shake 'em. Some days I wish I could sit in bed and watch Netflix until I finally fall asleep. I agree with poopshovel (now there's a sentence few people could stake a claim on saying, even including the people that know him) that doing *something* helps. Some days I go out to the shop and just stare. That doesn't usually help. But doing one thing does help.. a little.. usually.

One thing I remind myself of, perhaps a little too frequently: stick around and there are infinite possibilities. You can do literally anything going forward, and maybe rock bottom helps open up even more possibilities. But once you're gone, there's only one possibility, and it's forever. So keep trying, keep failing, and keep enjoying whatever you can.

From the John Carter books: "I still live!"

Go out in the garage hole and bang on something.  Always helps my mood.  Even when the garage hole is 10 degrees- bundle up and go bang on something.  

EDIT: something else I've found that helps: LIGHT.  I read somewhere that you need at least 300 watts (incandecent) of lighting to help improve your mood.  I stuck one of those 300W halogen worklights in the garage in the winter and it's like the sun beaming down on you.  

Hang in there man, just because you aren't living in a van down by the river doesn't mean you are banned from having feelings. I've been seeing a counselor to deal with a bad situation and it was the right decision for me and my family.

As for the crappy job, I had to decide that my job didn't define who I was after I left what I thought was my dream job. My wife gets mad when I say this, but I once told my kids "coworkers are people who get paid to be Daddy's friends." It is true. People in certain corporate structures will stab you in the back in a heartbeat if they think it will get them to the next rung on the corporate ladder.

I'm stuck home alone for the next three months while we renovate the house. Wife and kids are living with her family a few hours away, I'm here at the house making sure the contractors do the job right (and don't steal tools from my garage). Days are easy, nights are hard. The worst part is the quiet. Weird huh?

In reply to dculberson :

Interestingly enough, with what I deal with the self-ending route has never entered the brain pan. Well, once when we were finding the right meds almost 10 years ago. I've never been suicidal. Maybe a little homicidal (its a joke) but never suicidal. Besides, if I'm gone I can't piss off all those people I piss off on a normal day. 

bobzilla said:

In reply to dculberson :

 Besides, if I'm gone I can't piss off all those people I piss off on a normal day. 

I like that a lot.

In reply to dculberson :

right? Its my goal in life to annoy as many as possible. 

You are not alone in your feelings. Winter is a hard season for me also. I got to work in pitch dark and it is pitch dark when I get home. Makes it hard to want to do anything after work. Then there is dealing with snow. One day at a time and tomorrow could always be better then today.

The northern winter is hard.  I get that here too.  

You still have what I often miss and that is freedom to go.  You're dual income and no kids.  That is pretty liberating!  

My recommendation when the winter dull hits hard is to GO.  Run to the sun.  For me, back then it was sailboat racing on other peoples boats in the winter in warm climates.  I was doing a lot of business travel back then and would add the racing to the business trips by staying the weekend.  

Here is my plan for you.  Leave right from work on a Friday.  Drive your wife's Kia and this will cost nearly nothing in gas.  Put in 4 hours and you are south of Nashville, like Spring Hill, Tx by 10pm.  Spend the night.  If the weather has not greatly improved then just 6 hours and you are in Mobile, AL.  Easy to be there for lunch.  Go see the ocean or go see Pete.  Ive spent time with Pete (and I've spent time with you.)  I'd be willing to drive 12 hrs to just see Pete for 1 day!  Two nights of $100 hotels is cheap in the grand scheme of things.  

Maybe the weekend you are there would be an autox weekend.  Maybe you could co-drive Pete's P71?   

Maybe head to Road Atlanta and Crew with Poopy and be an honorary Hong for the weekend (this will change your life...maybe for the better, maybe not.) 

There's active autox in Huntsville and that is only 6 hours away from you.       

Bottom line, there are tons of opportunities and places you can go.  Sure, there are reasons that you can't like the dogs need you there or your wife needs you there, or there is some teacher's Christmas party that you should go to with your wife (god I hate those.)  The answer is , the good you will get from going is better than the difficulty going might cause.  

Definitely not a pathetic rant. I loathe winter. As others have noted, the lack of sunlight and aches from the cold wear on me in a big way. I really need to get over my concerns about moving away from my current medical providers and to head south. The Carolinas or Georgia speak to me. 

Just hang in there. One of the best decisions I made was admitting that maybe it wasn't my fault and that taking medicine doesn't make you weak or weird. My life has been totally different since taking those steps. 

Robbie said:

John Welsh said:

This thread is not about Detroit? 

 

I thought the big d was December.

I was halfway through the post before I realized this had nothing to do with Dallas.

Regardless, keep fighting; both for those who would miss you, and to defy those who would drag you down and win.



I have been fighting a cascade of issues over the past decade that knock me down before I am able to get completely back on my feet.  I almost didn't go to Thanksgiving dinner at my in-law's house, but I am now glad I did.   My wife's parents are each going through major health issues, and something about the quiet strength that emanated from her dad really struck me.  He didn't say a word about what he was going through, but I knew his cancer treatments were hell.   When we about to leave I overheard him discussing adding my wife to his bank accounts. I knew why this was all too well. At that moment I was simultaneously inspired, humbled, awed, and honored to be in his presence.  A couple moments later as I was walking out the door, I shook his hand and as I looked him in the eye, I said "always a pleasure to spend time with you, young man".   The words meant nothing, but the look in the eye and feelings expressed meant everything.  I could tell he understood what I meant.

My wife's 40 some year old sister who has had to be cared for by her parents her whole life due to developmental issues could nonetheless feel that connection and said "I like him" about me, and my wife's mother, who had to be again told by my wife's dad who we were before our visit was moved by the sentiment of her daughter, and even though she will again forget who I am, hugged me with tears in her eyes. You might say it was bittersweet, but I considered it a moment of triumph for the entire family; it is never good to feel like you are fighting alone.  I continue to fight for him; he is as brave of a man as I have ever known, and if he can keep fighting, I will, in honor of him.

In reply to John Welsh :

The season finale is this Sunday, and while the P71 isn’t autox-ready, the Miata is. Besides, I need to return the favor to Bob anyway after letting me beat on the Forte. We have a spare bed here too, head on down Bob & feel free to bring your wife. We can always drop her off at the French Quarter on our way to Nola MSP.