Joke of the day

Longest word in the Southern vocabulary- Daaaaayummmmm! Longer'nat with beer.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A nice looking redhead walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts and within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him and says, “Did you call for me?” Then newcomer replies, “No, what do you mean?” The hairy man replies, “You must be new. It's a rule that if you fart it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist and she says, “May I help you?” The man yells, “Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!” She replies, “But Sir, you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I'm an older guy. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 35 times a day.”

^Daaaaayummmmm!

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed at the next worship service, he found that his card had been returned.  Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.  Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'  Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones ???
They still are ...   Pass it on !!!

'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed at the next worship service, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Pastors visit homes? 

 

“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.”

“Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”

(update)
I have tinnitus. My wife knows this. The other day I was doing some stuff and bonked my head on a cross beam and raised a knot and had a small abrasion. My wife knew this, too, since I'm mostly bald.

I went out in the living room and told her that since I'd hit my head, the ringing in my ears had changed in tone to more of a buzzing. I said that I figured it would go away, but it hadn't so I looked it up on WebMD and it turns out there is just a bug going around.

She didn't find it nearly as funny as I did.

My wife called me and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”

She said, “How about now?”

In reply to Toyman01 :

Texting with Son-in-law:

Not sure if true, but still funny. 

"When my grandfather was young he owned a roadside motel, and my mother used to do work around the motel for the family. The building was old and they had bad pipes, so visits from the plumber were a fairly regular occurrence over there.
At one point they had a clogged toilet after a guest checked out, so they called the plumber to come and clean it out. The plumber came in with his bag of gear and set to work, but the clog was stubborn. After a few tries, he decided he needed to get the snake.
I don't know if you've ever seen a serious plumbing snake, but the big ones are a sight to behold. This isn't a little crank auger, it's a full-on electrical powered snake with a big motor on the back and a little grabby claw on the end.
So he fires up the snake and sends the metal coil down into the pipes with the claw closed, figuring whatever's down there he'll just bump it a bit, push it down the pipes until it clears - but this doesn't happen either. Finally, in frustration, he twists the control to open the mechanical claw at the end of the coil, closes it on something, throws the motor in reverse and starts to pull it back up.
By now a couple of members of the staff have gathered in the room to try and figure out what the hell got flushed down the toilet that this giant machine couldn't remove. The motor is really straining - you know that sound an electric motor makes when it's working really hard? The whole machine is struggling to pull whatever this is back up through the pipes and into the room.
Finally, after an extended wait, the object is slowly dragged, sopping wet, out of the toilet bowl - and it's a shower curtain.
The staff is dumbfounded. They're trying to figure out how this could have happened. It would be weird enough if the guest had ripped the shower curtain down and flushed it down the toilet, but the shower curtain in the room is still there. It would be even weirder if the guest had brought their own shower curtain to the motel and tried to flush it down the toilet, but it's clearly one of their shower curtains. Did they try and steal the shower curtain, leave with it, then feel guilty and come back only to find that the shower curtain had already been replaced, and then flush the shower curtain down the toilet to hide the evidence?
While they're discussing this, the room phone rings. The person on the other end is screaming, hysterical, so it takes a few minutes for them to figure out that it's the housekeeper who was cleaning the rooms. After a few moments, they manage to get the story out of her:
The snake had missed the clog entirely. Rather than spiraling down into the plumbing where it was intended to go, it had wound its way into the central line, and then back up the pipes in the room next door. It spiraled its way up, out the toilet bowl, and then started flailing wildly around the next-door bathroom like a Lovecraftian nightmare made of steel, knocking things off of shelves and clattering furiously around the room. Then, while the hapless housekeeper watched in horror, a metal claw opened on the end of it and snagged the shower curtain, ripped it off the bar ring-by-ring, spun it around the room until it was coiled tightly around the cable, and dragged it back down into the toilet bowl.
The actual clog was never found."

** Be aware **

We ordered a Chinese takeout from a local place (we won't name them) just been to pick it up and as we were driving home, we heard the bags rustling and moving!!!

We thought what the heck is that? Has something got in the bag? We thought we could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers.

I thought it's got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!!

Did you hear about the murder investigation where the detectives figured out who did it, their motive and what the murder weapon was?

It was a brief case.

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken stopped him.

"Don't do it man, you'll never hear the end of it!"

Did not understand you.

In Jamaica, you can get a steak and kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $1.00.
In St. Kitts and Nevis, a steak and kidney pie will cost you $2.00, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70 and a cherry pie is $1.25.
In Trinidad and Tobago, a steak and kidney pie will set you back $2.50, but you can get two for $4.00. The chicken and mushroom pie is $2.25. They also offer a meat and potato pie for $2 each, or 2 for $3.00. They offer a papaya pie for $1.00, but their cherry and apple pies are $2.00.

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean. 

Brett_Murphy said:

In Jamaica, you can get a steak and kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $1.00.
In St. Kitts and Nevis, a steak and kidney pie will cost you $2.00, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70 and a cherry pie is $1.25.
In Trinidad and Tobago, a steak and kidney pie will set you back $2.50, but you can get two for $4.00. The chicken and mushroom pie is $2.25. They also offer a meat and potato pie for $2 each, or 2 for $3.00. They offer a papaya pie for $1.00, but their cherry and apple pies are $2.00.

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean. 

I want my money back. 

WARNING- Do not accept a friend request on social media from Hormel Foods. It could be spam. 

The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."

Ooooooooooo, nice one.

Did you know that Norwegian, Danish, Swedish and Finnish navy ships all have a bar code on the stern?

It's so when they come back into port, they can scan the Navy in.

I think this is a rerun but it's still funny.

In reply to Toyman01 :

The way I heard it was "I was laying in the road licking my balls & a car hit me".  Your punch line is as funny & probably safer to use.