Need help punishing my kid

See, taking away the TV isn't the real problem. He broke the remote sitting in the chair. My vote would be for taking away chair sitting for a couple of weeks coupled with acting as the human remote. (Make sure you add in a healthy dose of "not too close to the TV, you'll wreck your eyes.")

Sitting on the floor won't hurt anyone even the least little bit. Sitting on the floor and having to look up at everyone would leave a mark. Sitting on the floor to eat dinner next to the table while everyone else is at the table is that much more. In fact, I wouldn't push it more than a couple of days even if I assigned a couple of weeks because of the impact it would have.

Psych 101 teaches that punnishment only works as a behavior modifier if it's both swift and severe, otherwise it has no deterrant effect. If you're going to do it, do it right.

Didn't read through everything, so forgive me if I am repeating what has already been said.

I am a firm believer in "natural consequences" for non-life-threatening situations. Ex. he broke the remote so it is his responsibility to be the remote until he works off a portion of it. And then, to show him that his things are valuable to someone, and to knock down the sense of entitlement that all kids develop, he would have to take 5 toys, that you choose, to a homeless shelter/orphanage/group home, and watch as they are distributed.

Quality time with one or both parents is a must for children who feel they are entitled to everything they have. He needs to understand that mom and dad work hard so he can have nice things, a place to live, etc. For demonstrating this, and helping to meet his quality time need, I would suggest a small task that he is required to do that someone else pays him for (not necessarily monetarily). Such as picking up soda cans, crushing them and then taking them to a recycling center. Even going so far as to weigh the cans so he can see how many it takes to make ONE dollar before you take them in.

Remember that your child, as well as yourself, has many "cups" that need filled through out the day, one of the most important being love/quality time. Maybe make a visual representation of his "cups" with a jar and seashells/river rocks. Every time he feels that you are spending quality time together or that you have shown him love he gets to put a rock/sea shell into the jar, and every time he feels your actions to be belittling or overly harsh he can remove a rock. Then after a few days sit down and talk to him about what he feels is too harsh and what love activities he has really enjoyed and you can work on those items together.

Hope that helps :)

As if the novella I posted earlier wasn't enough to soak in and try, I thought of something else that I have seen work time and time again. (goes back to the entitlement issue, which is really what this sounds like to me)

STRIP HIS ROOM. Leave him his bed and a pillow. When he goes to bed he may have his blanket and when he wakes up he is responsible for bringing it to you to put away until bedtime that night. Every day that passes without him treating another person/object disrespectfully, he may select 3 items to put back in his room. If he goes back to his old practices 2 items are removed per day until he can function as a productive member of the family. More times than not, you will find that the child in question will stop requesting to have items returned and that all of the "stuff" was actually contributing to their poor mannerisms.

On a related note.... Maddox has a good article on this...

www.maddox.xmission.com (NWS)

Look for the one entitled, "Don't be a Bob Costas, beat your kids."

Might be offensive to some, but the main point may be true. Worked ok for me. I'm still growing up at age 23, but i consider myself well-behaved.

Thanks for all the input folks. I'll give some more deails that I didn't give in the beginning, because frankly I didn't think many would care. I did spank him. I spanked him for lying and intentionally doing something he knows he shouldn't do (i.e. throw the remote, or ANYTHING that isn't a ball or bean bag). He had his TV taken away for 1 month as well as his absolute favorite-est toy in the galaxy. At the end of the month he will get TV back and we will discuss his toy at that time. I do spank him (as I said up there) but not often, mainly because he doesn't need it often. He's a very sensative kid and "the eye" usually works with him very well. Obviously, "the eye" wouldn't work this time. A little while after the spanking and doling out of punishments was over (and I cooled down) we talked. I explained to him that he's not in trouble because he broke somethig, everyone brakes something. He knows it was the lie and disregard for rules/property that was the action that caused the consequence. I like the idea of him being the remote control but it's not practical since our converter box has no buttons on it to change channels. I told him that he will loose the money he has in his piggy bank to help pay for the remote but he either doesn't appreciate the value of a dollar yet or just doesn't care. I am going to make him work for the remote be helping me do things. Normally I don't make chores a punishment (because I don't want chores to have a negative connotation, but in this case it'll be to work off the debt he has made for himself and more importantly, it'll give us lots of time together.

Like I said, he's very sensative and I want to use that to my advantage. I have found that because of his compasson and sensativity I can teach him real lessons, rather than try to "beat it out of/into him" like my parents did.

Wait, who the berkeley even makes a 350 dollar remote???

Joey

joey48442 wrote: Wait, who the berkeley even makes a 350 dollar remote??? Joey

I ermm.... have one. Logitech.

Once upon a time I found my middle daughter (6th grade) playing in the fireplace. I mean playing with the fire in the fireplace not actually climbing around the fireplace and up the chimney, that was my son. She was using tongs to heat pennies to glowing hot.

We scolded her and told her never to do it again.

The next day I came home and I sat down on the hearth of the fireplace. There was a pillow out of place on the floor right in front of the fireplace so I picked it up and what did I find - a penny shaped section of melted carpet!!! We grounded her, sent her to her room and then I called the fire department chief and told him the story and asked if he could help me out with a stern talking to and some statistics or videos. He was more than glad to help. We went up to his office and he talked to her for about 45 minutes. Then he took her next door and placed her in a jail cell, closed the door and stood outside and told her that's where arsonists had to live.

It made an impression and we never had the problem again. Our house was the gathering place for lots of kids and in more than one sleep over I heard her warning other kids about the dangers of fire and not to get too close to the fireplace or play in the fire. Mind you this was still our resident fire bug when we were on camping trips.

Years later all 3 of the kids were over trying to shock us with stories of things they'd done that we didn't know about. We had to surprise them and say we knew about most. You set the lines and the rules just a little inside of what you deem acceptable as that lets them go outside the lines and satisy their rebellious streaks and yet still stays within boundaries you think are safe.

One story did surprise us - my son is the one that was playing with the hot penny not my daughter and he'd kept quiet all these years. I thought she was going to kill him!

When my boy was younger, whenever he didn't take care of something or abused some toy or whatever, we would remove that toy and one other. He wised up pretty quick as his room emptied out. "We provided it, we can take it away. Take good care of it, and we'll be merciful."

Tim Baxter wrote: When my boy was younger, whenever he didn't take care of something or abused some toy or whatever, we would remove that toy and one other. He wised up pretty quick as his room emptied out. "We provided it, we can take it away. Take good care of it, and we'll be merciful."

You could remove toys from my grandson's rooms for the next 10 years and they'd still have too many.

Do the egg toss with him , basically throw eggs at him and when they break on his face tell him he is killing poor little chics and that they will peck his eyes out when he goes to sleep .

One of the most effective things my mom did when I was that age and I did something really bad: she told me she was very disappointed in me for doing that. Oh yeah, she diciplined me in other ways too, but that really hit home for me.

Go in his room at night.

Shine a flashlight in his eyes.

When he's just starting to wake up, yell "TRAIN!!!!!" as loud as you can and hit him with a pillow.

It might not fix the problem but it should be fun.

Shawn

And I wonder why Florida residents are overrepresented on Cops.

Karl La Follette wrote: Do the egg toss with him , basically throw eggs at him and when they break on his face tell him he is killing poor little chics and that they will peck his eyes out when he goes to sleep .

Karl La Follette wrote: Do the egg toss with him , basically throw eggs at him and when they break on his face tell him he is killing poor little chics and that they will peck his eyes out when he goes to sleep .

Holy crap man! That's gonna give ME nightmares.

carguy123 wrote:

Tim Baxter wrote: When my boy was younger, whenever he didn't take care of something or abused some toy or whatever, we would remove that toy and one other. He wised up pretty quick as his room emptied out. "We provided it, we can take it away. Take good care of it, and we'll be merciful."

You could remove toys from my grandson's rooms for the next 10 years and they'd still have too many.

While I was basically a good kid.. that was similar to a problem I had. You could not punish me with taking things away or grounding me. I would find something else to do to keep myself amused for hours or days.

the "board" of education though.. a couple of swift (but not hard) swats with that would set me straight

carguy123 wrote: You could remove toys from my grandson's rooms for the next 10 years and they'd still have too many.

and whose fault would that be

I have a new house with a new yard that hasnt been landscaped. I also am too cheap to rent tractors and such. Forced child labor is cheap, send him my way. I had a drill instructor father and leaned many lessons that way.

Its summertime, he needs a good hard project around the house at minimum wage until he earns $350. I spent summers building hiking trails on 12 acres and shoveling tons of builders sand out of the driveway that the construction of a 4 car garage left behind, probably some other stuff I am forgetting. It needs to be the only punishment though, he can do whatever when he's not working.

I have had the beatings, they did nothing to change me. I think parents hitting kids is a major influence on people using violence to solve problems when they are adults. My mother had child protective services called on her once by a neighbor. She took that out on me too, but I learned that day that what she was doing was unacceptable and it made the beatings even less effective.

I have had the groundings, and the take every single thing away approach too. Nothing was as good as manual labor punching a clock for little pay.

wbjones wrote:

carguy123 wrote: You could remove toys from my grandson's rooms for the next 10 years and they'd still have too many.

and whose fault would that be

The OTHER Grand parents. We haven't given toys and such for a couple of years because they have so many they don't appreciate them.

SupraWes wrote: I have had the beatings, they did nothing to change me. I think parents hitting kids is a major influence on people using violence to solve problems when they are adults. My mother had child protective services called on her once by a neighbor. She took that out on me too, but I learned that day that what she was doing was unacceptable and it made the beatings even less effective.

See your neighbor was wrong.

Excessive hitting on a kid or beating is wrong, but a spanking is not. It is the simplest, easiest and one of the most effective tools in the parents arsenal. You can spank them and it's over. Groundings, the look, showing your displeasure (in other words many of the more passive approaches) require that you stay mad or show your displeasure for such a long time that the kids begin to think you don't love them or get confused about what event(s) were wrong. They begin to think THEY are wrong! A spanking is quick, to the point and tells the kids exactly what is an un acceptable behavior. There is no ambiguity and nothing to confuse the kid.

Case in point, you have a kid that is making a scene in a public place. You don't have time for The Look to work. You can take the kid out of church and have the shame of the march down the aisle, then the quick spank or 2 and another march down the aisle and your point is well made. The Look simply won't work in that situation.

Now once you have well behaved kids (which has come about because you have clearly stated what is acceptable and what is not) none of these things are huge issues ever again. Effective parenting begins early. You can establish who's the parent by the age of 3-4 and, while they won't be trouble free for the rest of their lives, the pecking order is clearly established so that any future reprimands can be much less intense.

As someone else pointed out earlier to be effective the punishment must be swift and to the point to be effective. Long drawn out punishments only leave room for more resentment to build. The kids get mad at you over and over again every time they want to use the banned cell phone, watch a banned TV, or go down the street to little Johnny's house in violation of the grounding. What could have been short and sweet soon builds into a battle of the wills that spills over into many, many things for years to come.

I think a good read of Starship Troopers is in order, it delves into the pusification of the world. I don't want to get long winded but it's got some interesting theorys. The MOVIE IS CRAPOLA compare to the book, not even like the movie was good and the book was kind of better sort of way. Light years better than the movie.

carguy123 And Drboost did you guys co-ordinate avatars?

I had it first, he idolizes me and therefore he copied me. Who cares? I think it's cool. I have a syncophant!

It is a pretty bad ass avatar. . .