I hate to vent at a time like this but I do not like how this whole mess went down. The lack of procedure. The lack of communication from the hospital and the nursing home. That she got infected at the nursing home and so did others. I can't even think right now.
I am so sorry. For everything you have gone through. For everything you are still working through.
She's free now. Free from the dementia. Free from pain.
You aren't alone. I don't know you as well as I would like, I'm pretty sure most in of us here wish we knew you better. We care. I wish you lived closer.
Please make sure you eat and rest. I know just surviving may feel like a big ask for awhile.
Let us know if we can help.
I can't sleep right now. Have been up since the phone rang from the hospital. Talking to funeral home. Can't believe they are actually open at this time. Everybody keeps asking me questions.
I'm so tired and I can't sleep. Never been like this before.
We lost my mom to dementia several years ago at 88. She was living 10 hours away and I gone to see her a week before she passed. I stayed as long as I could, but I couldn't stay until she passed. I did as much as I could and still am sad I wasn't there.
You did everything you could. You stayed with her as long as long as you were allowed to. Your mom is free of pain now. You were a good son and I'm sure she is proud of you for the care you gave her and the person you are.
Snowdoggie (Forum Supporter) said:I hate to vent at a time like this but I do not like how this whole mess went down. The lack of procedure. The lack of communication from the hospital and the nursing home. That she got infected at the nursing home and so did others. I can't even think right now.
I'm so sorry to hear about you mom, and about the way this all went down.
You have a lot in front of you now, but you will have time later to consider a complaint. It won't change your experience but might change someone else's.
Hang in there, friend.
I'm so sorry to hear about that. It sounds like she was one tough lady and a great mom.
In reply to Snowdoggie (Forum Supporter) :
I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. I lost both my parents recently (and one had dementia). I'm the last left in the family. You are not alone.
The hurt is a good thing. It's a reminder of how important she was to you, and what a big piece of your heart she occupied.
Your Mom is proud of you. You really gave all the last few years, and loved her well.
Comfort and peace.
Sorry to hear that you had to go through all that mess while trying to care for your Mom. Know that you did all that you could to help and that we are thinking of you and your family. The world is a crazy place lately, see if you can find some time for your self and do something that brings you joy, you deserve it and need it. Hang in there it is a lot to process but you will make it.
Snowdoggie (Forum Supporter) said:I am just in shock right now.
Yes, and you will be for a while. Your memory of her and her value to you will not disappear, but the shock will fade and the pain that replaces it will fade.
I'm sorry for your loss. She's away from the confusion of dementia now, and she's away from any pain.
I am so sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss and the circumstances. Vent away if it helps in any way, we're all here for you.
I'm sorry for your loss and the shabby way the doctor treated you. I hope you can find your way to a better day.
My worst fears realized. For the last few years I was afraid than Mom would get Covid in the nursing home. I read newspaper accounts of other nursing homes getting ravaged and was horrified. I remember not being able to visit her for almost a year, then the nursing home allowed me to visit her in the front parking lot from a distance of 8 feet while she sat on a wheelchair in a tent. She was suffering from dementia even then. She probably did not understand the insanity going on around her. Masks. Moving people around. People in moon suits. The nursing home was required by law to notify me every time somebody in the facility was infected. These calls would always come at the end of the day when i was just leaving work or driving home. I would cringe every time the phone would ring after 5 pm. I still do.
And now this. My worst fear. Mistakes were made. She got infected. The virus killed her. I thought this whole Covid thing was over. It's not.
In June I went out of town for a trial in Federal District Court. In the day before the trial while we were doing voir dire, both attorneys on our trial team were infected by Covid. The Court Clerk was later infected as well. I was the Paralegal on the trial team. I sat in a hotel room isolating myself for an entire week because I was exposed. While Mrs. Snowdoggie stayed at home and cared for the dogs. I tested every day. Every day I tested negative. The only thing that I can figure out is that I got my second booster shot and the other guys didn't. I didn't get Covid. But because I was exposed I was staying away from visiting mom in the nursing home so I didn't get to visit her in her last month of life. I only got to see her for a short time yesterday.
And here we go again...
Oh man. My condolences.
I hate only being able to offer only that.
And I work Contract so if I am out for a couple of weeks with Covid I don't get paid. I an not getting paid today for taking time off for making arrangements. Money is already tight. When gas prices spiked and property taxes jumped, I made the decision to cancel autocross season for this year. There is a prepaid funeral plan but I have to get the body up to Arkansas to bury next to my dad. I am not complaining, most of my stuff is paid off and I am better off than most. I am lucky to be in a profession where I can literally work till I fall over dead in my chair. But savings and credit cards will be hit hard in the next few weeks. Stress. Stress. Stress.
I do have high blood pressure and it is through the roof now. Still a little overweight but I am on a plan and have been losing some. No other medical problems. I am in my 60s and I still work a full 40 hour week and sometimes more. I mow my own lawn. I wrench on my own cars. In May I was on a ladder painting the side of my house. Still pretty active. But I was exposed to Mom so that is a concern. I had a KN 95 mask on the whole time so maybe I am OK. Not sure.
Just sitting here waiting for the funeral home to call back.
Do you ever get to the place where you so sad you can't cry anymore. So angry at the crazy world that you can't yell anymore. You just sit here in shock as you run past all of the things that happened to you in the last few years. About 5 years ago when Mom first went into the nursing home, my boss was a crazy guy with two Ferraris, a house in Florida and money hidden in the Bahamas. When he negotiated salary with me, he brought his young hot girlfriend into the room. He also bought a house for his ex-wife and his son worked in the file room. This guy could have been a character in Miami Vice. He had a taste for cocaine and Ativan and liked to verbally and mentally abuse his Paralegal. Me. Actually he hired about four of us and made us compete for assignments. One of the other Paralegals used to go into her office, lock the door and cry for about 30 minutes at a time after he chewed her out about something trivial. I would just sit and stare at him when he yelled at me. I am so used to the fact that insanity is normal in this world that I don't think of this sort of thing as being abnormal. When I took time off to move my mother from the hospital into the nursing home and take care of her he made me pay back every hour I took off get my pay docked. I needed the money so I would work from 7:30 in the morning till 10 pm at night. On nights when I visited Mom I would leave work at 9 and end up at home by 11. At the time I didn't even know it was legal to make me work all those hours without overtime. It wasn't. About a year after I left, the Texas Department of Labor investigated him and sent me a nice settlement. One of the other Paralegals was there all the time and got an even better settlement.
Before that Mom lived at my house and I was her caretaker. She was a diabetic so I gave her two shots a day and tested her blood sugar once a day. I also changed her adult diapers when needed. All while working a full 40 hour week. One morning I was changing mom's diaper, was late for work and one of the dogs crapped on the floor. Oh E36 M3. Oh E36 M3 indeed.
Oh yes. when I finally got into work that day after a mad dash down the pay per use 635 high occupancy lane, my cokehead boss yelled at me. I was so numb that I just stared at him then went quietly back to work.
In reply to Snowdoggie (Forum Supporter) :
I am so so sorry for your loss and what you are going through.
Sorry for your loss, hopefully you'll have a less stressful life after things calm down.
There are no words that can really describe how painful the lose of a parent is. I went through it last year.
There is a lot of good advice here about focusing on the positives. There is a time to do that and that time is maybe later. I recommend giving yourself time and space to grab a pillow and just scream and wale into it. Then cry in the most unrestricted way that your can. If possible, find a friend, find a grief councilor, find someone who can be with you and care about you while are hurting without feeling compelled to fix anything or cheer you up.
We are built to grieve. We are built cry. It is normal. it is natural. Give yourself a time and space to to do it.
P.S. Anyone who tells you shouldn't be taking time for this is berkeleying clueless on this topic.
Now that I have time to think about it I really do think that she is in a better place now. She was in a nursing home suffering from dementia. She would lie there all day long and do nothing. Sometimes they would turn the TV on for her. She would get meds three times a day and every so often a nurse would come in and change he diaper. She couldn't talk to me. She couldn't read books anymore. Sometimes they would take her into the dining hall and feed here. When I was there I would spoon feed her in the dining hall. Sometimes she would smile at me to let me know she was there. She was in a wheelchair when she wasn't in the bed.
It was a nice enough facility. Brand new in North Dallas. There is actually a Starbucks in the lobby, but they shut that down when Covid hit. A nice ending place for the girl who grew up during the depression in Southeastern Oklahoma. But it wasn't much of a life in the end.
She is in a better place.
I am with this guy right now. He is the best grief counselor in the business. He doesn't say much, bet then he comes up and licks your face. He licks the tears away.
Your earlier-mentioned memory of your mon taking you to watch LeMans makes me think she must have been a pretty cool mom. Anything else stand out from the years as things she did or facilitated that helped shape who you are??
In reply to jfryjfry :
I remember back in my 20s I had just graduated from college and was still living at home and working the night shift as the DJ for KSJQ, a 3,000 watt FM station in Manteca, California on weekends. I was a pretty busy guy back then. I was working at a place in Stockton as a mechanic for a place called Mustangs Plus that is still there today and was writing free lance articles for a magazine out of San Francisco called Abingdon Classics. Yes, I actually wrote for a car magazine at one point in my life. I also had a girlfriend in Sacramento. I was burning the candle at both ends as guys in their 20s like to do. I spent lots of miles driving up and down the length of Northern California on I-5 and Highway 99 with interesting beater cars that shouldn't have been used for that much highway duty.
On night when I was making the late night drive to the radio station. the old 220S Finback Mercedes I was driving started overheating. By the time I pulled up in front of the station, which was actually in a cowfield 10 miles south of nowhere, the Benz puked all of it's coolant out on the dirt parking lot. Diagnosis? A broken radiator.
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